The process of TTC is and has been so full of disappointment and heartbreak for us that it's almost too hard to write about it, but I'm hoping that it will help me process it. We started TTC at the beginning of 2009 and it took 6 attempts to get our longed for BFP. I think the first BFN was the toughest as we were so filled with hope and excitement. Every month that we tried to get pregnant I bought something for our baby and kept it stashed away hoping that this month would be the one. When we finally got out BFP I think I was in shock and didn't quite believe that it was true. I know that my reaction was a disappointment to J. I wasn't outwardly as excited as she wanted me to be - but I'm still very English in that respect! I feel bad that I ruined such a special day for her.
We had originally decided that we wouldn't find out the sex of our baby, but changed our mind as the months ticked by and we wanted to know what was going on in J's belly. I'm so glad that we did. It gave me time to prepare for the arrival of our son. To aim myself at the boys section of the store, instead of being drawn to the girls stuff. Due to the nature of my relationship with my own Mum I really wanted a 'do-over' with my own daughter. But I couldn't be happier with N and wouldn't want it any other way, in fact I'd love nothing more than for him to have a brother.
Right around the time N was approaching his first birthday we decided we wanted to try for our second baby, so we got in touch with our RE, J had all the tests and we got ready to go again. To our amazement and delight J got pregnant after the first IUI. We were so happy and beyond excited to be adding to our family in March, but sadly it wasn't to be. At the first ultrasound at 5 weeks they couldn't see what they were expecting to see, but told us it was ok and maybe just slow to develop. The following week there was still nothing, by which point there should be a heart beat. Strangely J's numbers were going up, slowly but they were increasing and she was getting bigger and having more pregnancy symptoms. She went for so many blood tests and ultrasounds that I've lost count of how many, but basically it was not good. We were supposed to leave for vacation on July 30th and it was fast approaching. We were scared of J miscarrying while we were away, so scheduled a d&c for the monday before we left. In the end it was good to have vacation straight after the end of the pregnancy. We had a good week away with lots of family beach time in Ptown. It was wonderful to be surrounded by so many families that looked just like ours.
After vacation we met with our RE to talk about our results and options for moving forward. It was pretty depressing, hearing that only 20% of J's eggs were any good and that IVF was really the way forward. Then we met with the finance people who told us that our insurance would probably not cover IVF and if they did we would still have to pay 10k of it ourselves and we'd have to do another IUI first.
Our nurse told us that there was a study going on that we should qualify for that would cover all the costs, did we want her to put our names forward for it? Umm...yep! But when it came down to it we didn't qualify for it - so that plan was out of the window.
During that time we also learnt that our donor has retired. So we are now limited to the vials we have in storage if we want our kids to have the same donor. Which is something that I think is more important to me than J. I am slowly getting used to the idea that it may not work out the way I'd planned and that biology doesn't make a family.
We talked it all through and decided to give IUI one last try. We then found out that friends of ours would be doing a FET at the same time. The cycle went well, although for the first time J had really bad cramps after the 2nd insemination. Then we waited and hoped and prayed that this one would work. On Tuesday I saw my friend and heard that their cycle ended with a BFN, she asked what was happening with us. I told her we wouldn't know until Saturday and came home to tell J the news, and she told me that we were in the same boat. AF had arrived for her that day. It was over, we're emotionally and financially drained and at this point not sure where we are going to go from here.....we want N to have a sibling or 2, but are not sure how or when it will happen.
Read the next post here from Life with Cheeks.
Such a hard struggle. While there is so, so much joy in the end result of creating a family (if, indeed, there is success), it's easy to forget how often there is disappointment & heartbreak along the way. That too often our hopes & wishes don't actually come to fruition. I'm in a similar boat & can absolutely empathize. I wish I had stronger words of comfort but I know that there really aren't any.
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