Snow day

I love snow days, especially when it happens when I don't have to go to work! I don't like to drive in the snow, I only remember having to drive in the snow a couple of times in England. And as my brother pointed out when he was here, I have actually been driving more years here than I did in England. 

We headed out to play while it was still snowing and N wasn't that impressed. We ended up sticking him on a sled and taking a walk and it was really beautiful. We live in such a great neighbourhood, it's one of the things that made us fall in love with our house. But I have to say that I'm always surprised by the lack of kids we see playing outside. There are 3 or 4 families that have kids older than N and 2 that have younger kids, but it's pretty rare to see them playing outside. N has always loved to be outside so when we are home we spend as much time playing outside as we can. 

Today the sun is shining so I'm sure we will head out to play again - maybe we will have more luck with the sledding than we did yesterday. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get a good sled run set up!

Christmas

This Christmas I had a hard time with homesickness. Probably for the first time in over 12 years I really wanted to be in England for Christmas. I wanted my little family to be surrounded by my parents, siblings and all my aunts, uncles, cousins and my nanny. 19 of them sat down for lunch on Christmas day and I was sad that we weren't there. We skyped with them and I got to talk to everyone, but it's not  the same as being there. I think it was harder for me as the anniversary of my Grampy's death is Christmas Eve and although he's been gone for 3 years now it's still hard. Especially as he's passing was sudden and I didn't see him before he died. His wife, my Nanny was diagnosed with dementia this fall and has recently been moved into residential care. I think I'm also aware of the fact that this could be her last Christmas. She's slowly slipping away and most of the time I'm probably in denial, choosing to remember the Nanny of my childhood, not the frail, confused, easily upset old lady that she's become. I totally consider America my home, I've been here so long and more importantly it's where my family is, but sometimes I long to recapture those childhood memories / experiences. And want a piece of that for my son and wife. I know that I was really hard for J to deal with while I was moving my way through all that stuff and pulled her down at one point too. For that I'm really sorry.

My good friend welcomed her third baby last friday. While I'm so happy for her and her family it was also hard for me. She got pregnant soon after us and called to tell us the news just after our miscarriage, on N's birthday. She was coming to his party and already starting to show at 5 or 6 wks so wanted to give us a heads up before her arrival. The arrival of her baby is a reminder that we should have been celebrating Christmas with our new baby. We've officially been TTC for 18 months, with 2 BFPs and 2 loses and it SUCKS. We feel so fortunate to have N, but long for another child. Hopefully 2013 will be our year - fingers crossed!!

At the start of December my brother, sister in law and niece came to stay with us. N and I took a few days off work to spend with them. It was great to see the 2 kids playing together and N interacting with his aunt and uncle. We really kept it low key and mostly played at home. We ate out a couple of times and they cooked for us which was a nice treat. As a surprise for my parents we had a friend come over and take pics of us all. I was specifically hoping for a good pic of the kids, but neither of them were thrilled with that plan, but we ended up with some great shots!

My niece arrived with a cold that got worse during her stay here. At one point we were trying to figure out where we would take her if she needed to see a dr, but luckily it didn't come to that. They headed to Florida when they left us and we all came down with the cold right in time for Christmas!

N and I made a gingerbread house. He had a lot of fun putting it together and never figured out that the stuff he was sticking on was candy and something that he might want to eat! 

Christmas Eve J's parents came for dinner. During desert we noticed that it had started to snow. After Gram and Pop left we headed out to play. Yep, we were the crazy people playing in the snow at 8pm, but it was so much fun and I'm so glad we did! N had a blast and proved to be such a trooper. He had a couple of face plants, but jumped right up and got back to throwing snowballs. I have hope that he may make a good snowboarding buddy for me in a couple of years. By Christmas morning the snow had mostly melted and what was left was hard and icy so wasn't as much fun to play in.

Christmas morning N slept until 10. We were saying that this will probably be the last year that he'll sleep that late! Both of us were up and waiting for him. He had lots of presents and took his time opening them, stopping to play along with way. It was exactly as it should be!

Mama got spoiled too. Although someone loves my gift as much as I do, luckily I don't mind sharing!

We had planned to go to J's parents on Christmas day, but J had a fever and ended up in bed feeling really rough :-( So we changed our plans and are having Christmas with them tmrw instead.

Ouch!

Poor N took a tumble at work yesterday and managed to bite his lip. It's swollen today and looks pretty sore but he's been fine in himself. Trying to keep him quiet so he doesn't open it again is proving to be tough. Our little man is 'all boy' and has to do everything at top speed. Once he gets around the big boy it gets even crazier!
Hopefully it will look a little better by the time Christmas comes around and he's in hundreds of pictures!

I was off work most of last week as my brother, sister in law and niece were visiting. It was great to spend time with them and watch the kids play together. But getting back into the swing of work this week has been tough. It feels like the longest week!! I can't wait until Friday when we are both done for the holidays. My guys are going to FL so other than working Boxing Day next week I'm off until January 6th.

Best laid plans

Yesterday started with a trip to our new Dr for N's 2.5 year check. J took him and he did really well, he now weighs in at almost 32lbs (50th percentile) and is 36" (70th percentile) tall. Which means he is finally tall enough for many of the rides that he was too short for over the summer! 

After an early lunch we decided to head to a local airport to see Santa fly in. This is what happened on the way there!

Once we got there with a sleeping boy we decided to stick him in the stroller and wait for him to wake up. But we got out of the car and it was freezing! We had the bundle on the stroller so we got it out and started to get everything ready,  then we realized that with the wind it was really COLD! I think that we debated for a couple of minutes about what to do and then decided that it wasn't worth it. Waking up and being in the freezing cold would probably not make for a happy outing with our boy. So we closed up the stroller, got back in the car and headed home.

We took a little detour on the way home to pass by a preschool that is on our list for N and while we were checking it out he woke up. He didn't mention airplanes or Santa but instead asked to go to the playground. We headed there, but once we got him out of the car he wasn't impressed with the cold and asked to be held. I suggested that we go into the library where we played in the warm for a while before going home for dinner.

I downloaded a cool color effects app on my phone and had some fun with it this afternoon. It's a little hard to get it colored exactly on the phone as my fingers are just too big. But I like the end result and look forward to playing around with it some more.

Helping hand

I'm sure that N won't always enjoy this job as much as he does right now but I'll take the help while it lasts!!

Sandy

Last weekend saw us preparing for the arrival of sandy. We shopped for supplies, pulled the generator (that we got after last years storms left us without power for 5 and 7 days) and it's instructions from the garage. Gassed up our cars, bought anything that could take flight inside or tied it down. Then we waited....
Monday was really quiet and the weather wasn't too bad. J even took N to one of our favorite indoor play places to burn some energy. Around 2.30-3 it started to get windy and wet, J and N made it home and we hung out, played and ate dinner.
Just after I put N to bed the power went out and the wind and rain picked up. We decided to go to bed and see what the morning would bring. It was scary at times with the wind howling around the house, but N slept through it all.
By morning the storm had passed, we still didn't have power and cell service was out too. We ventured out to see the damage and were pleasantly surprised. We were so lucky and had only minor damage. We lost the glass top to our outdoor table, a gate and tree branches came down, but no trees. At this point we still hadn't seen any media pictures so had no idea of the true extent of the damage caused by sandy elsewhere.
J went out to find gas for the generator and search for cell service. No local stations were open, but a call to her parents found they had power and their local gas stations were open. We all headed down there and saw the news for the first time. It was unbelievable to see all the damage, especially to the shore. It was so hard to comprehend - the place we vacationed just 3 months ago is gone...just wiped away.
We spent Tuesday night at home. All of us sleeping in our room with a heater hooked to the generator to keep us warm. N was a little unsure about not sleeping in his crib, but went to sleep quickly and stayed asleep all night.
Wednesday we headed back to J's parents house so we could shower and eat a hot meal. J tried again to get gas and this time waited online for close to 2 hours. People were getting really aggressive and the cops were called to settle a dispute. We drove home at bedtime to find a problem with the generator and the house cold and getting colder. After playing around with the generator for a while we decided to pack up, leave extra food and water for the cat and head back to J's parents.
For the next few days we hung with Gram and Pop. Poor N was so unsettled and totally not himself. He barely ate anything, had huge meltdowns and started throwing toys, even aiming at people. Sleep was shot, he woke frequently and I even ended up bringing him into bed with me to try and get some sleep. Twin (single) beds are so not made for an active toddler and his mama!! Dealing with N and trying to make him feel secure was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. He just kept asking to go home and no matter how we tried, we couldn't help him understand why we were not going home. We even went home for a while, so he could hang out and play with his stuff and made a quick stop at work so he could see his buddy, who was missing us too.
Friday night just after I'd put an exhausted little boy to bed we got a txt message saying that we had power again! We were amazed, as after the last storm we were one of the last places to get power back. They had been telling us it wouldn't be back before wed, so we had prepared ourselves for a long wait. Because N was already in bed we decided to wait until the next morning before going home. That ended up being his hardest night yet, I was so tired the next morning, but so excited to get home!!
Saturday saw the introduction of gas rationing. Luckily for me, my amazing wife was getting up super early to hit the gas stations when they opened so that the wait wasn't too long. We both had full tanks when we left for home.
I'm so grateful to J's parents for letting us stay at their place and basically take over their house. Many of our friends didn't have any other options and either stayed at their cold houses or spent hours in gas lines to keep their generators working. We invited some of the ones still without power over, but at this point most of them have found other options or have power back too.
We spent lots of Saturday cleaning up the house and clearing out the fridge and freezer. At one point as I was cleaning the empty fridge N asked 'where's all the food?' Throwing all that food away was tough.
I even spent time today vacuuming the glass out of the grass - a first for me!! It was the only way we could think of to get all the small pieces of glass up, so we wouldn't trash our mower and for our boy who loves to go bare foot.
Halloween on wednesday was postponed. We are looking forward to taking our astronaut trick or treating tmrw night. We are only planning to go to a few houses on our street, with our next door neighbors. N has been practicing saying 'trick or treat' for a while, but who knows if he'll actually be brave enough when the time comes!
J has been off work all week and it looks like she will be off for a couple more days. I'm probably going to head back to work tmrw after my week off. Not sure yet whether or not N will come with me. The family are staying at their grandparent's house, along with 4 cousins, so N may add to the chaos too much. Although I know he'd love to see the kids and they probably feel the same way about him.
We are so happy to be home and glad to see that N is settling down and almost back to his old self. We don't have cable or Internet access, but that is only a little inconvenience compared to having no power. Any thoughts that I had about living without tv are gone. LOL! I am so missing it and reading the blogs that I follow too!

Jumping

We took N to Sesame place yesterday - it was packed! I think that we were there for 4 hours and N probably went on 4 rides and saw 1 show. Anyway, he still had a blast and we ran into J's BFF from college with her son so that made it even better.

N is dropping his nap, so when we left the park at 6 we hit the local mall for some dinner and hang out time before heading for home. We knew that if we tried to drive straight home he would have been out and probably wouldn't have stayed asleep once we got home. Which would have meant a very late night for one of the mommies, so the local mall was a great way to pass an hr. We even found something super fun for N to do there! As I rode down the escalator with N he saw other kids strapped into harnesses and bouncing on trampolines and N said he wanted to give it a try. I asked if he was sure and he said yes, so I took him over, thinking that he'd change his mind. J showed up just as he was being strapped into the harness - she was not so sure about my bright idea. But he loved it :-) He listened really well to the girl running it and didn't mind the height at all - braver than me for sure!

Super N

I really need to catch up, but am facing the fact that it will probably never happen!

I had been worrying towards the end of the summer that my job was coming to an end. My boss had been planning to put the big boy in school until 3. Luckily for me Dad didn't agree with that plan so he gets out at 1, and may switch to 3 at a later date. Instead of loosing my job, the days that I work increased. Phew! I'm starting later, but now working mon, wed, thur, fri and either sat or sun. It's definitely taking some time to get used to. I feel like our house is a mess, unless I start or make dinner in the morning it's not the best, and there is no time to get stuff done. Poor N is still getting used to not always getting to nap, with mostly car seat naps when it happens. But we are thankful that I still have a job.

The boys are playing so well together and having so much fun. N seems to be playing at an older age level and I'm surprised by his imaginative play when he's playing alone and with the kids. The favorite right now is super heroes. I've lost count of the number of times they are in and out of costumes every day!!

Everyone wants to know if he's in school. And as he's not, why not. At this point I just don't think it's worth it. We go to story time, he plays soccer and when my work schedule allows we take part in moms club activities. All the kids that I've taken care of that went to 2+ programs hated them. They cried more often than not and it just seemed like more trouble than it was worth, especially when we didn't know what my work schedule or income would be. We will probably revisit the topic in January, but it's more likely that he won't start anything until september next year.

We made the mistake of telling too many people that N is shy. And we've been hearing that from him a lot lately. As in 'I can't say sorry, because I'm shy!' I'm making an effort to not say it anymore, as I don't want him to think of himself like that. His other favorite saying is 'I'm frustrated!' Which can usually be heard when his Lego tower falls over or if he's not mastering something that he wants to do.

Our TTC journey is moving slowly forward. I didn't get my BFP and was actually affected by it more than I had expected to, especially when I predicted it. Being the one trying is much harder than I thought it would be and it took over my life way too much. Hopefully next time I'll be able to be more relaxed about it.

Notes from the other side

I'm nearing the end of my very first TWW and although I still hold a little hope, I'm pretty sure that it will be a BFN. There was a short time when I thought I might be pregnant, but now I feel like AF is  on her way. I was planning to test on Friday (12 dpo) but now think I might just wait through the weekend and if AF hasn't shown after that then I'll test on Monday. Although I've been charting it has been all over the place, as I've also had a cold. My temp is still up, but before I O'd it was up and down like a yoyo! Even now it goes up and down every day, but remains over the cover line.

Being the one that's trying to get knocked up has been harder than I thought it would be. I told myself that I was going to try and stay calm, but have found that it's pretty impossible! Every twinge, real or imaginary leaves me wondering if just maybe..... 

I watched J go through 6 attempts before a BFP and see that many bloggers are getting BFN's with IUI and IVF right now. As another blogger pointed out there are no guarantees! 

We ended up deciding to do the insem ourselves at home. It was pretty straightforward and so nice to hang out in our bed afterwards and not have to worry about a nurse knocking on the door telling you that your time is up!

We are heading to see friends for the weekend and we are all really looking forward to it. The 3 hr drive, not so much, but it'll be great once we are there! We still don't have any set plans, it depends on the weather, possibly the aquarium, water park or beach. It will be a great break before we get back to the real world next week. Work has already picked up for J and I'm back full time on Tuesday.

Doubling up.

J and I have had plenty of time to talk about TTC while we've been on vacation and we've come up with a plan....
She's going to head back to the RE's for another round of IVF. This time the RE has recommended that we do 2 retrievals and carry out genetic testing on the embryos. We declined the testing before as it seemed to be messing with nature a little more than we were comfortable with, which is kind of ironic really when you think about it. But having been through the heartbreak of 2 losses we would like to avoid putting ourselves through that again. I know that there are no guarantees but starting out with healthy embryos would increase our chances of a good outcome. They are sure that we lost the pregnancies because of chromosomal abnormalities, which we are sure with the first loss. The second one we will never know for sure, but we feel like it coincided with stopping the PIO shots J was on. We were even asked if we wanted to know the gender of the embryos before transfer, which we declined. We want a healthy baby, boy or girl doesn't matter to us and we would want the strongest looking embryos transferred and not to make choices based on gender.
While J is gearing up for IVF we have decided to start trying with me. I'm really not a big fan of all things medical and am in awe of all the stuff that J has put herself through in our quest for another baby. Think it could be the Brit in me, or just my family. I will only go to the Dr if I'm are really sick or something is about to drop off. It once took me 3 days to see the Dr after I broke by wrist, (I was so sure it wasn't broken, just sprained). So we are taking a slightly different route with me. I just had my yearly with the midwives that we used while J was carrying N. J asked if they did inseminations and our favourite MW replied 'we don't currently, but we could!' She recommended that I start temping and keep a record for 3 months, then we'll look over the charts and go from there.
So I bought a BBT thermometer and started taking my temp in the am. I have to admit that it's already getting old. Especially as I have to do it at the same time every day. I picked 6.15 as that is when I usually get up at home, but here on vacation that sucks!!! I wake up, take my temp and often can't get back to sleep. Then right as everyone else is ready to start the day closer to 9, I'm ready for a nap!
My cycles are pretty regular and I usually feel when I ovulate. So hopefully the temping along with the ovulation monitor we have will help us get the timing right.
We've been joking that we'll both end up pregnant and she'll probably have twins as the RE wants to transfer 2 embryos. But in reality we won't both try the same month. Her retrievals will likely be in August and Sept with a transfer in Oct or Nov. So I wouldn't try on the month she transfers or if I'm pregnant by then she won't transfer and we'll keep the embryos for baby number 3 down the road.

Vacation

We've headed to the beach for a little R&R and lots of family time :-)

When we hit the beach for a while after dinner N picked up a couple of young admirers that he ran around with and it wasn't long before they were trying to figure out the family dynamics! First they wanted to know if either J or I were N's grandmothers! Apparently they start having kids really young in Brazil! 

Then a little while later one of the girls was asking if I was N's aunt. When I told her I wasn't, she asked if J was. I told her that J was his mom too and she said 'cool, he has 2 moms!...How does that work?' She then asked if he had 2 moms and a dad and was even more puzzled when I said he doesn't have a dad just 2 moms. After asking which one of us carried him, she got back to playing. When her sister was trying to figure it out later, she relayed the information to her and then when her sister asked how N was made her sister answered 'you don't want to know!' It made us giggle and gave us an insight into what's to come!

Carnival and fireworks

N has been asking to see fireworks for a while now, so we decided to take him to the local carnival and watch them. Little did we know that they weren't going to start until 11pm! We thought that they would be at 10 and figured that he would last that long, thanks to a late nap. But we were not so sure when were heard that they wouldn't start until later than that. 

We didn't get to the carnival until 8 figuring that we would kill some time riding the rides and getting something to eat. The local fire company was giving rides, so we paid up and J and N had a 5 minute ride on top of the fire truck. N loved it and in true N style had a 'discussion' with J about not wanting her to hold onto him and wanting to do it himself! 

Then we hit the rides - all 3 of them that we could get him on. For most of the rides the kids have to be 36 inches to ride and N is not there yet. He is a 3, nearly 4 year old in a 2 year olds body. He loves the rides and would have loved to go on more than he was allowed too. The crazy thing was that he wasn't even tall enough to ride the carousel, probably the most tame ride that there is. But he did get on a car ride, a flying elephant thing and a spinning strawberry one. The rides are pretty small, so adults were not allowed on them too, which is how we've gotten him on other rides before. Guess we should have found some shoes that would add an extra inch or 2 to his height! 

Riding the rides took up some time, but didn't get us that close to firework time. J and I talked about giving up for the night and heading home, but N kept insisting that he wanted to see the fireworks and asking when they were coming. As he seemed to be holding up pretty well we decided to see how long he'd hold out. We made it to 11 and are so glad that we stayed. He absolutely loved the fireworks. He wasn't scared at all, which we both thought he might be. While he was watching the fireworks he threw his head back and laughed with delight. It was the most amazing thing to see and made us enjoy it all the more.
I remember being so scared of fireworks when I was a child. I often spent bonfire night at my grandparents house, cowering on the sofa, avoiding the whole thing! I don't think I really got over it until I was much older and never really found any enjoyment in them. But watching them through my sons eyes made it so magical!

We left the carnival at 11.30, after wrangling a very excited little boy into a diaper, hoping he'd nod off on the way home. But he had other ideas. It's only a 15 minute ride home and he was still wide awake when we pulled into our driveway. We got him into his PJs and went through a condensed bedtime routine that had him in bed by 12.30. He slept until 10.15 this morning so that wasn't too bad!

July 4th

We had no plans for celebrating the 4th but as we were meandering around the store our friends invited us to go to an indoor play area with them. Although we didn't end up going with them for that we invited them over after naps to swim and grill with us.

They have a little girl who is a couple of months older than N and is one of the few kids that he sticks up for himself with. With most other kids if they take a toy from him, he'll just let it go. But with her he holds onto his stuff and tells her 'no!' It probably helps that they've been playing together since they were 4 and 6 months old.

We ended the night by roasting marshmallows over our new fire pit. N was so well behaved around the fire, we were so proud of how well he listened to the rules and stuck to them. He's not a fan of marshmallows, but loved the act of toasting them. We told him that he had to stay in his seat if he was by the fire and that's exactly what he did. He sat there for a good 30-40 minutes before deciding that he wanted to play in his little house. So he played in there even though it was getting pretty dark at that point, while J and I got to hang by the fire :-)

Summer

After a crazy couple of weeks working full time, N and I have finished up for the summer!
My parents were also in the States for 6 weeks, spending 4 weeks here, so we have spent the last week trying to catch up some sleep - for N that is! He is so not a morning person and did not appreciate being dragged out of bed at 7.30am every day to make it to work by 8. But I have to say he was a total star. The kids were enrolled in a golf and tennis camp 30 mins from their house and we had to hang out there for 1hr and 45 mins waiting for the big boy. He did so well with all the waiting around and all the time in the car even though the activities were not for him. Such a 3rd child!! Some of the days were so hot with the temps getting up to the mid 90's. Luckily a big cup of ice kept him occupied and helped to cool him down :-)

Having my parents here was great...for me at least. Poor J, nobody wants to spend that much time with their inlaws. They haven't seen N since he was 4 months old, so they really wanted to spend time getting to know him and offered to do lots of our odd jobs around the house and yard. My dad even put together the cutest little playhouse, that J's parents and brother got N for his birthday. N loves it so much and plays in it every day. It has a pretend kitchen and stove so is the perfect spot for him to do some cooking.

Although they spent a lot of their time working around the house and yard, we also made some time for  fun. We spent time at a local state park that has a little beach and swimming area. N had a blast splashing around, practicing his swimming skills and playing in the sand. We also went to the zoo. Here is a pic of N with his Abeulo and Abuela.

I was sad and a little relieved when they finally headed to England to see my sibs and niece. This is definitely the best visit I've ever had with them. I think having a child of your own makes you look at your own parents and the way you were parented in a different light. I've frequently struggled with my relationship with them and the way I was raised, but was happy seeing them with N. They were so different with him - patient, attentive and present. All things that I feel they weren't with me. N loved being with them and was especially taken with my mum. The best thing about the visit is that he now interacts more with them when I skype them. Now he actually knows who the strangers on the screen are!

2 year stats

I got to take N to his 2 year wellness check on Wednesday, usually J takes him but she had to work :-(
Poor N hates the pediatrician. He is pretty unhappy from the time we get there until we leave. The kids that I look after see the same ped, so he gets to come when I bring them and is equally unhappy even if she isn't seeing him. When we arrived the Dr asked if he had been taking lessons from the big boy, who had the same reaction until he was 3.
He weighed in at 27 lbs and 7oz, which puts him in the 50th percentile. He is 35 inches tall which makes him in the 75th percentile. She said he's long and lean, following the same curve that he's been on. The funniest question was when she asked if he's showing any interest in the potty. She is totally amazed that he's already potty trained and has been for close to 6 months. Then she asked if he's putting words together yet and N picked that moment to sadly mutter  'want to go to mine house, see mommy!'
N is definitely a little boy now and no longer a baby. He consistently counts to 5 and even made it to 13 the other day. He has started to sing his ABC's and we often overhear him singing snippets of other songs too. We have also seen him using his imagination more and more. He brings us pretend food to eat and also pretends to be a dinosaur, superman, a super monster or 'Jack nimble' from the nursery rhyme Jack be nimble. The other day in the store he said to me 'Mama, you call me super monster!'
Physically N is becoming more coordinated and showing a lot of athletic ability. He runs like crazy, jumps with 2 feet, climbs everything and loves the balance board my sister got him for his birthday. His other favorite is his t-ball set. He probably hits the ball further than I can and it looks like he's a lefty although that changes from time to time.
Not surprisingly we think he's the most amazing child ever and love him so much!

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to the best little guy! We were so lucky with the weather today and N had a great party with mostly family and a few friends.

I still can't believe that we have a 2 year old. If you ask N he is very sure that he's already 3 and acts like it most of the time :-)

My parents are here so we've had a very busy couple of weeks. I've definitely fallen off the blogging train but hope to jump back on soon.

Back to work

Today is J's first day back at work. She was on vacation last week and I know she was dreading going in today. Not only is she still uncomfortable from the procedure on Friday, she also has to deal with telling the couple of people that knew about the baby.

N and I went to work on Thursday as we thought sticking to the routine would be good for him. He'd have chance to hang with his best buddy and have some fun. It wasn't really the best plan for me.........bawling my eyes out in the sporting goods store trying to get soccer cleats for a three year old was definitely not fun :-(

Not surprisingly N has been extra clingy during the day and for some reason he's sleeping better at night. He needs just as much extra love as we do right now. He also seems to need to have both of us around. If he's with one of us and the other one is somewhere else, he asks for the one that is not there. So with J back at work he's really going to miss her. We are off to work too and the weather is supposed to be gorgeous so I'm thinking it's a good day for the park, just got to fit it in around the big boy's dentist appointment and N's nap.

This moment

Thanks for the love. xoxo

Crap

Our OB appointment today didn't go as we expected. To say that we are heartbroken doesn't even begin to cover it.

Little footprints

How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts. -- Dorothy Ferguson

Easter

My sister arrived just over a week ago. N is totally in love with her! From the moment we met her at the airport he has been her number 1 fan. I'm not sure if he remembers her from her last visit, over 6 months ago, but he hasn't been shy with her at all. Which is so unlike him.

She went to SC for a couple of days and N missed her so much. She was the first thing that he asked for when he woke up and every time he heard a noise he thought she was coming. He's going to be so excited to see her when they both get up this morning.

An Easter visit meant that my sister brought chocolate with her. YUM! I think that chocolate is still the only thing that I really miss from home. N is not a big fan of chocolate, but he did eat some of his white chocolate egg.

The Easter bunny has been very busy this year. N had 2 different egg hunts, one organised by our neighbourhood and the other by the MOMS club. It didn't take him long to get the egg collecting down. For our neighbourhood egg hunt there was a toddler area for N and 1 other girl as they are the youngest kids on our street and the organiser didn't want them getting crushed by the big kids. The other girl isn't walking yet so N went to town picking up eggs and we had him give some to the other girl too. Then he enjoyed chocolate milk and a cookie with the kids.

The second egg hunt was held at a local playground. The weather was sunny but a little windy, a big improvement on the day before when it was freezing. He played with the kids and had a great time collecting his eggs. By this time he'd figured out that there was 'andy' in them and ate a few jelly beans and opened the chocolate before handing it over to me. I think we were there for over 2 hrs before we headed home for dinner.

Easter Sunday saw us headed to PA for Sesame Street Live! We had a great time and I think the thing that we both loved the most was how much N loved it. He was totally mesmerized! He loved meeting the characters and totally got into it. He waved and called out to the characters, danced and jumped up and down. He had the best time! We had great seats for the show - guess going on Easter Sunday had some advantages :-) He was so in awe of the show and joined in and followed the directions is was so cute! He was so good and sat really well for the first half of the show - barely moving form his seat. After the interval it was a little harder for him to stay in his seat, but he still did a great job. There was enough action both on the stage and right in front of our seats to keep him occupied.

Poor J is having a horrible time with her allergies, especially at night, so isn't sleeping well. She doesn't really want to take anything, but may have to if it keeps going like this. We meet with our OB for the first time tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that. She's off work this week so hopefully that will give her chance to rest and catch up on some sleep! I'm working at the end of the week, it'll be strange being there without N. I'm sure that the kids will really miss him and things will be much quieter for me!

Discharged

We are officially discharged from our RE. We expected to go back next week and I was hoping to go as my sis will be in town so can watch N. But insurance only allows 4 ultrasounds and we've reached that number. On Tuesday the baby's heartbeat was 158bpm and it measured 7w6d.
Being discharged also means no more PIO shots. I'm not sure which one of us is more excited. J as she doesn't have to get them or me because I don't have to give them!!!
We meet with our OB in two weeks after finally deciding where to deliver and who to use. Our first choice hospital is an hour away and I was worried about driving backwards and forwards between the hospital and home to be with N. So we are going with another one that's 25 mins away. We are still undecided about when or if we want N at the hospital but luckily we don't have to decide that now.

Yikes!

Bedtime has gotten so out of control in our house and my attempts to rein it back in aren't working. It's been creeping later and later for a while, probably since he was sick and his schedule was totally off. Thankfully he's started sleeping through the night again and generally sleeps 11-12 hrs straight. So if he goes to bed at 10 he gets up around 10, which as I'm not a morning person has some advantages :-) But getting up at 10 means that he's not napping until 2 and then doesn't want to go to bed until 10 again. J is so tired with the pregnancy and working that she's often in bed before N!

On Saturday it worked to our advantage. We headed to a St Paddy's day party at J's cousins house. N had a blast running wild with his cousin and we didn't leave their place until 10. He was so wired that it was nearly 11 before he finally dropped off and then slept until 10.30 on Sunday. This is where my first attempt to get him back on track happened.

After lunch we headed out to run errands before going to J's parents for dinner. I decided that we'd try to get away with a quick car seat nap instead of putting him down at home. He stayed awake through all the errands and played happily with his grandparents while J and I ran out alone for an hr. 5pm rolls around and he's acting a little tired, but seems like he'll hold on until we go home. J and her mom are about to leave to pick up dinner and N says that he wants to go. So he heads off with them and they come back 20 mins later and he's out cold :-( We let him sleep for 30 mins and wake him up - big mistake!!! He has a major meltdown and nothing would bring him out of it. So we get in the car and start the hr ride home. Of course he falls asleep again and woke up when we got home at 7. So last night he was up until 10.30.

This morning I decided to go for another plan. I woke him up at 8.30 and we worked out in the garden all morning. Had an early lunch and I put him down for a nap at 12.30. By 1.45 he was up again and not happy. It took at good 20 mins to bring him around, but after that we headed back outside and he was fine. J even surprised us by coming home from work early. We went out to dinner and talked about stopping at the playground on the way home. I nixed that plan as he was already rubbing his eyes and didn't want him falling asleep in the car.

We got home, played outside for a while and then I gave him a bath and got him into his jammies. Around 7 he started showing signs he was ready for bed, but quickly got a second wind. At around 8.15 J took him up to bed and 10 mins later they came back down again. He told her he was hungry, so they got a snack and then went back up to bed. J tried to put him down again and this time he cried and kept crying. We have done CIO, but have a 20 minute limit on leaving him to cry. I brought him back down and he hung out until 9.30 when I took him up and he finally fell asleep around 10. Now I'm trying to decide if I'm going to wake him in the morning again or just leave him. We have a friend of mine coming for lunch, so I'd rather he wasn't a complete crank while she's here, but I also have errands that I need to get done before she gets here and I have to make lunch...after I figure out what I'm making.

J's headed to the RE's early in the morning for blood work and ultrasound. We are keeping our fingers crossed that she gets to see and hear the baby's heartbeat. We don't have anyone to watch N at 5am, so I'm not able to go this time. I'm really sad that I won't get to see our little one and probably won't until the 12 week ultrasound. It's totally different from when we were expecting N when I went to almost every appointment. We are also trying to figure out which OB we want to use and where to deliver. J will probably have a repeat c-section so we aren't going to use our midwives again, especially as they now deliver at a hospital thats an hr away. Which wouldn't be a big deal if we didn't have to factor in N and how I'm going to split my time between him and being at the hospital with J and the baby....but that's a whole other story.

I just ordered the invites for N's second birthday. It's going to be here before we know it! Here is the pic that I ended up using :-) I can't wait to see the final product.

The lack of sleep was soon explained by the fever that arrived thursday morning. The poor guy has been so miserable and is proving to be a terrible patient. He wants to be held all the time and that usually means walking around with him in your arms. Think I need to start lifting weights as I'm definitely feeling it in my arms and shoulders.

The kids tested negative for strep, so we didn't take him to get tested. It's a nasty cold type bug that needs to pass. Hopefully he'll start to feel better soon and we can all catch up on some sleep!

Instagram

I finally down loaded instagram and have been having lots of fun playing around with it. The weather yesterday was so beautiful that we spent lots of time outside without having to bundle up....although it did take me a long time to convince N that he didn't need to wear his hat!

Here is my favourite pic from yesterday.
We should be heading to work today, but both of the kids are sick so we are staying home. Probably a good thing as N was up at 4.30 this morning and just went back to bed at 7.30. He's feeling a little warm, so he probably already has what the kids have, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's not strep. The kids are getting tested today, so I'm waiting to hear if we need to do the same with N. Spring break starts for the kids tomorrow and they are supposed to be traveling so it's bad timing for them too and looks like we could be starting are 2 weeks off early.

Sleep is a bit a an issue here right now. N is up at least once a night and has been for a while. He's never been the best sleeper, but we haven't managed to get back on track since he first got sick. Whenever that was! We are not sure what the deal is - if it's become a habit, if he's dreaming or if he's trying to potty train at night. He's been dry a few mornings here and there but not consistently and is not awake enough to say that he needs to pee - except for this morning. I'm reluctant to ask as I don't want to wake him up more. Usually he'll go back to sleep if I rock him a little. My mum suggested taking him to the potty before I go to bed, but I'm not sure he'll go back to sleep after being woken up. He's totally dry and accident free during the day, but I thought it would be a while before he'd be ready at night and that he'd be in his big boy bed before that happened.

J's second Beta on Friday was great - her numbers more than doubled. The first ultrasound is tmrw so we are looking forward to that. It was so hard not to tell my parents yesterday when I spoke to them. We are keeping it quiet for now and I had this plan of waiting until they come and visit in May to tell them, but we'll have to see if I can wait that long. J is feeling pretty good, she's extra tired and occasionally has nausea. She's still getting her PIO shots every night and they seem to be more painful since the BFP, so it's not the most fun time of day. Hopefully she'll only need them for a few more weeks.

BFP!

I asked N this morning if he wants to be a big brother and he said 'NO!' Luckily he has 9 months to get used to the idea :-)

In the back of both of our minds is the fact that our angel baby would have been arriving this week, so although we are both beyond delighted I don't think we'll stop holding our breath until the first ultrasound when we see a heartbeat.

J goes back on Friday for her second beta, but our nurse said the first one looked good.

Transfer

Monday (my mum's birthday) was transfer day and the day started with a very long wait for the call from the recovery room nurse about the time we would have to go in and the status of the embryo. We tried to keep busy and of course the call came at 11, just after I had put N down for a nap. We had to be there at 1, it's 45 mins away and I had to figure out dropping N off with a friend first.

N has only ever been cared for by J's parents or my sister. Although we talk about needing to find a regular sitter we haven't done it, but a good friend offered to watch him for us so I nervously headed over there to drop him off. Having to wake him up after only 45 mins made me feel even more nervous and had J so worked up that we decided she wouldn't go for the drop off part and I'd take him and either meet her at the RE's or not if he wasn't ok with being left. Luckily he was a star. He slept a little more on the car ride and woke up when we got there. He was clingy and wanted to make sure I was with him. So we hung out until he started to feel better and started playing. Then I gave him a kiss and headed out. He didn't cry and only asked for me once. Our friend sent us some texts letting us know he was ok. So that helped us both feel better and concentrate on baby making.

Once we got the RE's we still didn't know anything about the embryo. They have changed procedures and defrost the embryo as close the transfer time as they can, cutting down the time it is hanging around. So we were sitting in the office still not 100% sure that there would be a transfer. We headed back to the recovery room and got ready. I put my scrubs on and felt strangely as nervous as I did when we were getting ready for N's c-section! The nurse told us that there was something to transfer, although she didn't know any details and J had a course of acupuncture. The Dr came in and said that the embryo looked the same as it had before it was frozen and that we were ready to go.

We moved into the procedure room. J got comfortable and the embryologist came in and introduced herself. She told us that we would see the embryo on the screen and off she went to get to work. On the screen I could see a drop of liquid with a tiny little dot in it. Turns out the dot was Emy. We watched her suck it up in the catheter, check the catheter to make sure it was well positioned and then it was brought into the procedure room. Then the pic changed to an ultrasound of J's uterus. I'm not sure that either of us thought we'd see much after that, but to our surprise we actually saw the embryo shoot out of the catheter, aimed at just the right spot at 2.33pm. It looked kind of like a firework against the grey of the ultrasound. Then J was moved back to her bed, where she had another course of acupuncture and 25 mins of bed rest.

After the transfer J headed home to rest and I went to pick up N. Who started crying the minute I walked in the house! I had said to J that he probably would cry after holding himself together for the 3 hrs that I'd been gone and that's what he did. He was quickly distracted by showing off his new skill of peeling a clementine without help and we played for a while longer before heading for home.

Now we wait! Our test is scheduled for Wed and J has declared that there will be no cheating with testing at home before then. Let's hope testing on a leap year brings us luck!

Valentines

I started preparing for Valentine's day over a week before the big day by 'helping' N make 28 Valentines for a MOMS club party. I've been in the States for almost 12 years now but I still find the whole Valentine thing strange. Unless things have changed since I last lived in England, Valentines were only exchanged between couples, or sent by horny teenagers to the people they fancied. Here it's so commercial that you can buy Valentines for anyone, from anyone, even the family pet!

We headed to the party on Wednesday and N had a great time. As soon as we got there he wandered off to play, obviously remembering the place from the last party. That is so not like him, usually he stays close to me until he's checked everything out. We played, ate and decorated bags to collect all his Valentines in.

Sadly lots of Valentines were not the only prize N brought home from the party. He also picked up a nasty stomach bug and spent Thursday night throwing up. He or maybe I have gotten so much better at hitting the bowl while it's all coming out. I hate for him to be alone when he's sick - goes back to my own childhood I think. So I slept (or tried to) with him in our guest room, with it's newly installed bed rail for just such an occasion. The last time we shared a bed he fell out, so I was glad to have the bed rail. The next day he was sad and off his food but otherwise OK.

Over the weekend J was not feeling great, so we assumed she had some form of the bug. Just as I was patting myself on the back for escaping it, I got it on Tuesday. Yep, Valentine's Day! As our babysitters have flown south for the winter I'd planned to cook a nice family meal, which I made, but J ended up eating alone when N turned his nose up at it and I couldn't stomach it. It was a rough night and long day on Wednesday at home with N. He was so good and really patient with my desire to stay close to the couch.

Then yesterday we had plans to go to a friend's for dinner. I called her on Wednesday to say that I was recovering from the bug and did she still want us to come. She said she didn't care, so we were still on. Just as I was putting brownies in the oven J called to say she was on her way home from work. The bug got her too! I called our friend and told her we weren't coming and took N shopping instead! Poor J is still feeling rough tonight.

In other news our FET is scheduled for MONDAY! Our precious little Emy, as we nicknamed our embryo is going to be put exactly where it belongs to grow into N's little brother or sister! J started PIO shots on Wednesday, wow I don't think I've ever seen a bigger needle! And I'm the one that is giving them to her. Thanks to the wonderful Internet I read up lots on the correct positioning and lots of tips on how to make it less painful. Again I am amazed and in awe of what my wonderful wife is prepared to put herself through for our family.

After a temporary break N is back to being a potty pro. He made the choice to go back into diapers and we put the potty training on the back burner. Then he started complaining every time his diaper was wet and crying if he pooped. So I asked if he wanted to go back to undies and he said yes. So that's where we've been since last Friday and he's been dry. I think he was only back in diapers for just over a week. He just likes to do everything in his own time and way!

N's language has come on so much. He does a great job of getting across what he wants/needs. Even my parents could figure it out when we were skyping with them. But he has one sentence that is our favourite right now. He says "here go Mommy/Mama" when he's giving you something. It's so cute and much better than his other favourite "I don't want it!"

I love our little guy so much!

Overheard..

N and I took the big boy to his gymnastics class on Thursday and while we were hanging out eating a snack I heard a conversation the big boy was having with one of his buddies. His buddy was talking about the snack N was eating and the big boy said 'That's MY baby eating popcorn!' (It was actually goldfish).

One of the other mother's asked if I'd heard it and commented on how sweet it was. It definitely warmed my heart to hear. Of course only an hour later they were fighting over the same toy, but it was cute while it lasted!!!

Potty regression...?

N has been potty trained for well over a month now. What started with him refusing to put a diaper on, turned into him running around naked and using the potty successfully. Then we introduced underwear and braved leaving the house in them. He has been so great and had very few accidents. But the cold that he got last week and the messed up sleep schedule seem to have caused a regression with using the potty. When I saw his pediatrician the other day, she was first totally amazed that he's using the potty and then said it was totally normal to regress when sick and that he'd get back on track when he started to feel better. But as I picked poop up off the carpet this morning I had my doubts and even wondered if he needs to go back into diapers. He's stopped telling me that he needs to go and if I ask him or take him to the potty he says no! Today I asked him if he wanted to wear a diaper or his 'big boy underwear' and he picked the underwear so we stuck with that and he was clean and dry for the rest of the day.

I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to confuse him or take away from what he's done but also don't want to be cleaning up accidents all the time, or feel like I'm watching him like a hawk for signs he needs to go. I'm not sure if it's because he's been sick, or because the novelty has worn off. Or if he's just too busy with other things.... His language has really taken off and he now uses 2 or 3 word sentences and is constantly adding new words.

Because he led the way with the whole potty thing I never used any kind of rewards - stickers, candy, prizes etc. And never have with any of the kids I've potty trained over the years. I also don't use pull-ups as I think they are the same as diapers and too confusing. At this point he only wears a diaper at night, he stays dry during naps, and is sometimes dry in the morning too.

He's only 20 months old and his pediatrician said that most kids aren't potty trained until they are 3. Most kids that I've taken care of have been potty trained between 18 months and 2.5yrs so I guess I'm going to give him a bit longer and see what happens.

Snow

We had our first snowfall of 2012 yesterday. I headed off for a 24hr stint at work leaving J and N at home to enjoy the snow.

As much as I love the beauty of the snow I hate driving in it. My usual 25 min commute took close to 45 mins and some of the roads were pretty slick. I certainly didn't grow up dealing with a lot of snow in England and am very thankful that my little car is 4 wheel drive as my boss' didn't plough their steep driveway this time. Guess they aren't banking on the snow hanging around too long.

It was a long day for me, my boss' took their oldest to a 60th birthday party leaving me home with their 3 yr old. I had heard from their other babysitter that the big girl would be brought home to me with her cousin, but as it got closer to 10 I thought it wasn't going to happen. Thinking that they were all going to come home together I decided to go to bed. Then at 11.15 I got a text saying that 3 girls were on their way back to me. I got out of bed and made up the beds for the girls and waited for them to get in. At 11.40 they finally made it home. I had all 3 of them into bed within 10 mins. They were so tired!!!

I think my boss' made it home sometime around 1am and by 3am the big boy was brought into my room by his mom. It's been so long since I've done an overnight there. I forgot that it often ends with me sharing a bed with one or both of the kids! It wasn't the most restful night for me and I was happy to head home this morning! I actually said to my boss that I'd been hoping for a good nights sleep there as N has a cold and has been up a lot during the night the last few nights. Of course the night I'm gone he sleeps through from 8.30 - 8.30!

While I was at work J hung out with N and played around the house. They finally decided to venture out once the snow had stopped falling. I'd been saying that I didn't think he'd really be into playing in the snow this year, but I guess it's not really the snow he hates. It's the clothing that he has to wear that he really hates. He can hardly move in his snowsuit and hasn't mastered using his hands in his mittens.

Not happy with the getup necessary for playing in the snow!

Heading out to check out all the white stuff!

After I got home today I was skyping with my sister when N brought me his coat and hat and said he wanted to go outside. So I bundled him up and out we went. I think it took me the same amount of time to get us ready to go out as we actually spent out there. It was a lot of work for 15 mins!!! But he sure looked cute in his monkey hat :-)

Little monkey!!

IVF

It's been a pretty emotional week for us. We heard on Monday afternoon that our 4 embryos were 'growing slowly and a little disorganised.' So the decision was made to try and freeze them and schedule a frozen embryo transfer instead, as J's lining would not be at the right stage for where the embryos were even if the transfer was pushed back to the afternoon.

On Tuesday morning we heard that one embryo survived the freezing process. That was a shock, going from 7 to 1 was not really what we expected. I don't think either of us thought all 7 of them would survive but we hoped to end up with more than 1. Now J has changed her meds to get ready for the FET in early Feb. All our fingers and toes are crossed that this little embryo will be N's brother or sister.

I feel like J and I have been on some kind of roller coaster with all of our emotions related to this stuff and I hate roller coasters! We do a pretty good job of taking it in turns to be the positive and negative one. But it has definitely been a week of ups and downs. Now we are regrouping and putting all our energy and thoughts into our next attempt.

Seven!

Seven....that's the number of eggs that are growing of the 10 that were fertilized using ICSI on Wednesday, 13 were retrieved total and we are thrilled with the numbers.

I'm in awe of my wonderful, amazing wife. She has handled the IVF process better than I could. She had been giving herself shots every day and enduring my bumbling attempts at giving one every day without any complaints. She has bruises in almost every shade possible!

Now we have to wait. Our RE just implemented a new policy where they do all transfers on day 6, so we have to wait until Monday afternoon for the call letting us know how many embryos we have and how many they plan to transfer on Tuesday. Waiting is so tough, especially as I'm not working this week, but N is keeping me busy with his obsession with play dough! We got him some for Christmas and he can spend hours playing with it - I definitely get bored of it before he does :-)