Loosing the pregnancy was definitely the hardest thing we have been through personally and together as a couple. We don't handle these things the same way and for a while there we just couldn't get on the same page. It felt like we couldn't be around each other, didn't seem to like each other and I have to admit there were times that I wasn't sure we would get through it. But we did and are in such a good place right now that we are enjoying each other way more than we have for a long time ;-)
As far as TTC goes J is officially done and any future baby will be coming from me. We don't really have a timeline but we have started looking for a donor, I cracked open the fertility drawer (everyone has one right?) and started using the fertility monitor.
I really want to loose a few lbs, give up caffeine -my morning cuppa :-( and cut down on the addiction I have to sugar in my diet before I get pregnant. More than any of that I have to work through some mental stuff before we start trying. I have a big distrust/dislike of Drs and am not excited by all the stuff I have to go through to get that BFP - if there were a way we could do it ourselves I'd be all over it, (I'm already easing J into the idea of a home birth) but I know that our chances are higher if we go the monitored doctor route. The biggest issue that I'm working through is fear. I'm scared that I might miscarry too. I know that it may not happen to me, but there are no guarantees and right now I feel like it's a huge gamble. We watched our friend m/c just the other day, there is no rhyme or reason as to why or to whom it happens and because we shared about ours loss we are hearing about other people's more often. Learning that it happens more often than you know and just isn't talked about. I don't know if I or we can handle another loss and really don't want to find out.
While we were on the beach last weekend I asked J if she ever thought we were pushing our luck by TTC and maybe should be one and done. She said that even with everything she's been through that had never come up for her. That she wants N to have a sibling and from working in education sees what only children are like and doesn't want that for him. I want him to have a sibling too, but also wonder about what we are taking from him by having another child and about the ever growing age gap that will be between our children. I never imagined having children 4 or more years apart. I'm the worrier in our relationship...can you tell?
I do really want to have a baby and get to experience pregnancy and childbirth so know that at some point I will have to take that leap and trust that everything will work out!
1) You have been missed!
ReplyDelete2) I tell people all the time that TTC is so hard on a relationship. It is a wonder that any of us make it to actually having children as a couple because of the stress, resentment, and general disagreements that happen when trying to make those children. Throw in miscarriages and all emotional hell breaks loose. I am so glad that you and J made it to the other side still intact.
3) The fertility drawer? Sheesh, we have a fertility cabinet.
4) It got to a point where I too started mind-fucking the age gap that was growing between Little Monster and the potential sibling and then one day I realized, age does not matter, a sibling is a sibling and we had decided that no matter what we wanted LM to have at least one sibling and so forward we went with TTC.
5) I understand the reluctancy about doctors and I suggest you find someone you feel comfortable with because awkwardness and stress in the stirrups is no good for conception. Not to encourage you otherwise, but FWIW, both times that we got pregnant and stayed pregnant was when we, meaning I, did the inseminations at home. Maybe I need to blog about that....
^^ WSS and we are all here to support you through the process, it's very exciting!!
ReplyDeleteWe totally have a fertility drawer lol