Showers and tea

I went to the third of my friend's baby showers today. I was at the first one too, a week after our m/c. 

This one was held at a tea room and we got to enjoy a somewhat authentic high tea. The lobster bisque was amazing and the tea sandwiches....interesting. What I thought was coronation chicken was actually some kind of curried tuna, it tasted better than it sounds, but some of the others were odd. Who wants jam with their chicken salad? Or apples with the ham and cheese? A nice cheese and cucumber or cheese and pickle would have been good. The scone wasn't bad - although I missed the raisins that I remember my Nan putting in hers. And I had to request milk for my tea, they only had honey and sugar on the tables. I don't know a single Brit who puts honey in their PG Tips or Tetleys! 

Anyway...baby showers are interesting things especially when you are still dealing with a loss. The first shower I strategically placed myself with a woman who doesn't have kids and my friend's stuffy, older in-laws. We didn't talk about kids, only work and travel. I made it through the food and the gifts, feeling proud of myself for holding it together. Was just getting ready to leave when I heard that a friend of ours is expecting her third. She has a 2 year old and an almost 1 year old. In the time we have been trying for number 2, she's already on 3. That tipped me over the edge and I got into my car after and cried all the way back to work. Driving while crying that hard is not recommended, but I was running late and needed to pick up the big boy and bring him to a friend's house. 

 

There was no crying after today's shower but it was still hard to deal with. Today there were 6 women (and 3 little girls), all of us mothers or mothers to be. The talk was all about kids, pregnancy and birth. I got asked THE question  - 'so are you guys going to have any more?' I've come to hate that question and I think I always pause before I answer it with one of my stock answers. 'We'd like to.' Or 'we're talking about it.' I use my stock answers because they are the acceptable ones, the ones people want to hear, without details that will make them uncomfortable and ones that won't piss off my wife. But I also feel guilty for using them. I'm denying that those BFP's ever happened. Saying that those babies never existed, even if they were only there for all to brief a time. J would say that I tend to over share, telling people things they don't need to know and she's probably right, but I guess I just feel that by not saying anything I'm taking away from that fact that those babies were loved, so wanted and will never be forgotten. We planted 2 new trees after our m/c last year, we call them our 'baby trees' for more reasons then many people will ever know.  

Calm after the storm

Thanks for the support and sorry for the silence. Things haven't been easy over here and I was staying away from the blog because it would have been seriously depressing!!!

Loosing the pregnancy was definitely the hardest thing we have been through personally and together as a couple. We don't handle these things the same way and for a while there we just couldn't get on the same page. It felt like we couldn't be around each other, didn't seem to like each other and I have to admit there were times that I wasn't sure we would get through it. But we did and are in such a good place right now that we are enjoying each other way more than we have for a long time ;-)

As far as TTC goes J is officially done and any future baby will be coming from me. We don't really have a timeline but we have started looking for a donor, I cracked open the fertility drawer (everyone has one right?) and started using the fertility monitor. 

I really want to loose a few lbs,  give up caffeine -my morning cuppa :-( and cut down on the addiction I have to sugar in my diet before I get pregnant. More than any of that I have to work through some mental stuff before we start trying. I have a big distrust/dislike of Drs and am not excited by all the stuff I have to go through to get that BFP - if there were a way we could do it ourselves I'd be all over it, (I'm already easing J into the idea of a home birth) but I know that our chances are higher if we go the monitored doctor route. The biggest issue that I'm working through is fear. I'm scared that I might miscarry too. I know that it may not happen to me, but there are no guarantees and right now I feel like it's a huge gamble. We watched our friend m/c just the other day, there is no rhyme or reason as to why or to whom it happens and because we shared about ours loss we are hearing about other people's more often. Learning that it happens more often than you know and just isn't talked about. I don't know if I or we can handle another loss and really don't want to find out.

While we were on the beach last weekend I asked J if she ever thought we were pushing our luck by TTC and maybe should be one and done. She said that even with everything she's been through that had never come up for her. That she wants N to have a sibling and from working in education sees what only children are like and doesn't want that for him. I want him to have a sibling too, but also wonder about what we are taking from him by having another child and about the ever growing age gap that will be between our children. I never imagined having children 4 or more years apart. I'm the worrier in our relationship...can you tell? 

I do really want to have a baby and get to experience pregnancy and childbirth so know that at some point I will have to take that leap and trust that everything will work out!