Decision made

I start BCP for IVF when my next cycle starts right around Christmas.

J says that I'm over thinking and worrying about things that may not even happen (twins!). She is probably right, but that's just the way that I am and the process I need to go through to reach the same result she did as soon as IVF was the recommended course for me. I had to allow myself to feel mad, sad (how could my body let me down?) and scared (will the drugs make me crazy?) before I was able to get on board with it all. As J said I was supposed to be the 'easy' one when it came time to get me pregnant and it hasn't worked out that way yet.

I didn't qualify for the IVF study as I'm not skinny enough(!), but there is a study that provides chromosomal testing on the embryos that I did qualify for. It means that they will test all the embryos we get for free and weed out any that have chromosomal abnormalities, but the draw back is that they will definitely transfer 2 embryos and because they are 'healthy' embryos there is a 40% increase in the possibility of twins. If it doesn't work the first round we know that any frosties we end up with will also be healthy so hopefully it will only be a matter of time before we get a BFP.

I also found out today that because I have such a high follicle count (which is apparently a good thing) I can't do a fresh transfer. I'm at a higher risk of hyperstimulation and putting the embryos straight back increases this risk. I will have to do a FET the following month. Right now the tentative schedule is retrieval at the end of Jan and FET at the end of Feb. It seems like ages away right now, as I said to my nurse now I've decided to go down the IVF road I'm keen to get started. 

The other weekend we spent lots of time in church..... a strange experience for me which probably needs its own post one day. Saturday we went to our friend's wedding and a baptism on Sunday. 

The wedding was beautiful. There is something about watching a (lesbian) couple making that commitment to each other that reminds you what marriage is all about. As sappy as it sounds it made me fall more in love with J and reminded me of the couple we were before we had N and stepped onto the crazy TCC train. Aren't we cute?

Opps

Not my best parenting moment on Friday, but I thought it was kinda funny so thought I'd share ;-)

I took N with me on Friday to pick up my hsg films, or cd as it ended up being and drop them off at the RE's office. When we got to the RE's I explained to him that this was a place that was just for grown ups and that kids weren't supposed to be there, so that I expected him to be calm and quiet while we were there. (Our RE has a no kids in the office policy so the TTC patients aren't upset). Luckily we made it in and out without seeing any patients, just the office staff, doctors and nurses.

As we were walking away from the building N looked through the window and into the lab, where we could see 3 people looking into mircroscopes. He asked what they were doing in there and without thinking I replied 'they are making babies!' So now my son probably thinks that is how all babies are made...Oppss!

I'm still waiting to hear from my RE after he looks at the films. I did take a look at the report which said my right tube was totally blocked and not visable on the scan at all. The left tube is occluded with only a little dye visable in the tube and there was no overspill at the other end. I'm expecting him to recommend going straight to ivf and our nurse said that they are starting a study that includes pgd (genetic testing on embryos) in Jan/feb. She thinks I might qualify for it, so I'm waiting for info on that too. 

I'm still feeling a little discomfort on my right side but I think at this point it's related to regular ovulation pain as well. 

I was grateful to get to sleep late today when N's school was canceled due to the weather. He was probably happy too, as a 3-5pm nap yesterday meant a late night for us!! 

Hsg

On Monday night we put N to bed at his regular time but for some reason he decided he wasn't tired. I think he was actually overtired and overstimulated after his first day back at school and work after the holidays. It was after 10 when he finally gave up and went to sleep. Needless to say Tuesday morning was not pretty. He was up before 7 and I didn't have to wake him up like I usually do, but he sure was cranky. He decided that he wasn't in a listening or cooperating mood and that whining and kicking was the way he was going to communicate. Somehow we made it out the door and to school just about on time, even with a couple of time outs thrown into the mix. I felt bad for his teacher, but had a feeling that he would probably be fine there and save all the not so nice stuff for me! 

When I picked him up from school the report was all good, little monkey! But he was still a crank so I was kind of relieved to leave him home with J and go get my hsg done! As much as I was not looking forward to the test I was happy to head out for some alone time, pretty sad really!!

I'm not sure what the deal is with our RE now but many of the tests that they used to do in the office they are now farming out. J had all of her HSGs done in the office and dealt with all her genetic testing stuff there too. I have been dealing with outside places for all of this stuff. I ended up having a whole gene sequence done, which I wasn't really interested in having done in the first place. I have no family history of anything and J and I have always been in agreement that we welcome any child we get, even one with any challenges. Insurance covered 80% of the genetic tests but we still have to pay the rest - which wasn't cheap. So we could have saved ourselves and the insurance company some money there. Mine showed that I'm a carrier for some rare and obscure condition that is basically an allergy to anesthesia. I'm pretty sure that most people have something if you look closely enough.

The hsg test was a little bizarre. The radiology center isn't really set up for gyno stuff so I had to do some serious maneuvering on the X-ray table. I had to scoot up the table and roll left and right, all with a speculum and catheter in my lady parts!! It's kind of unnerving when everyone else in the room is covering up with lead and you're lying there half naked, ready to get x-rayed.  The Dr was from South Africa and once he found out I was a Brit he asked how I explained cricket to the Americans, my reply was simple, 'I don't!' Just because I'm a Brit doesn't mean I know anything about cricket, or any other sport for that matter! 

I heard today that it looks like both my tubes are blocked :-(  so our crazy TTC roller coaster continues. I have to pick up the films tmrw and drop them off at the RE's office. Then we will need to go and meet with him again, this time to discuss IVF. While I'm grateful to know this info before we invested time, money and effort in any IUIs and I'm pretty sure that now I'm officially 'infertile' insurance will cover my treatment. I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm more than a little upset and not totally sure what I want to do. I'm not excited about the prospect of  IVF and not convinced that I'm going to be able to handle it as well as my wife did. Never mind the fact that there is only a 1 in 4 chance of IVF being successful.....and I'm terrified of having twins, even though I am one. Argh...think I need more ice cream! 

Thanksgiving

I started Thanksgiving day bright and early at the RE for day 3 blood work. Thanks to their holiday hours I didn't have to be there quite as early as usual but I wasn't the only person who thought 8 am was the perfect time to be there. It was packed. I was in and out in under 10 mins as I am not planning to insem this cycle I only needed to give blood.

We had a nice quiet morning at home watching as much of the parade on TV as N could stand before he wanted to watch 'his show.' Then we played, took naps and got ready to head to J's cousins for dinner. 

N had a great time playing with his 14 year old cousin. They ran around the house, played hockey and cars all while the moms got to relax, eat and drink way too much! This is the first year that we were the last to leave. Usually we are heading out with a cranky N at bedtime. But this year he was having so much fun that he didn't want to leave! It's so nice that he and his cousin played so well together and N needed much less hand holding from us. 

No long after we got in the car to start the 1.5hr journey home he was out. As he was sleeping J suggested that we stop by the outlet mall and so I could pick up Christmas presents that need to be mailed to England while she stayed in the car with N. I thought it was a terrible idea and the last thing that I wanted to be doing. After bitching and complaining I eventually saw the wisdom in the idea, hit the stores and got some great bargains for my siblings. Thanks honey!! 

On Friday we took N to see Disney's live pirate and princess show. N loved it and it was so great to watch him take in the magic of it all. He interacted with all the action on the stage and danced along to all the songs that he knows a little to well ;-) He actually seemed to enjoy the princess part of the show most so I was a little taken aback yesterday when he told me that girls like pretty colors (pink and purple), while boys like awesome colors (red and blue). We don't talk about boys and girls colors or toys but sadly he is already getting that information from others. 

Transitions

Poor N is having such a hard time leaving work at the end of the day. He's really been loosing it when I tell him that it's time to go home. Last night he threw a pretty impressive tantrum about leaving and cried for a while in the car before falling asleep. I transferred him to bed when we got home and he still woke up crying for the big boy this morning! He is seriously in love with those kids and they definitely play a sibling role for each other.
I always give him lots of warnings that we are getting ready to leave and even the promise of seeing mommy isn't enough to get him to go without a shedding some tears. The other day he said that he wishes J and I could live at work with him, the kids and their parents. Not sure I can convince the rest of the adults about that plan, but the kids would all be for it :-)
Tonight the kids Grandma is coming to stay for the night, before taking the kids to her house for the weekend. She doesn't like it if N and I are around as the kids only want to play with N, so it usually means that we have to leave. Poor N is probably going to be so sad, me on the other hand, I'm looking forward to 3 days off!

RE appt

I had my first visit with our RE on Friday. I'm still waiting for the blood work results - they took 12 vials! Only the second time I've had blood taken, when I told the tech he started to get worried that I would pass out, he kept checking on me which I thought was funny!  I ended up being the only person is the lab so it was much more relaxed than I imagine it is during regular morning monitoring hours.
The meeting with our Dr went as I expected. He told us that it sucked that J lost the last pregnancy and that she'd given it a really good shot and then turned the attention to me. We talked a little about my medical history, marriage equality in NJ and insurance coverage before getting down to the ultrasound. I was at cd15 so knew I was about ready to ovulate and was really relived to see a 19mm follicle. I also had 10+ follicles on the right and over 20 on the left. I didn't realize how worried I was about whether or not I had any eggs until I was trying to make out the fuzzy picture on the monitor. 

The Dr started to say that I would get lots of eggs from an IVF cycle and then changed directions and said that unmedicated IUI should do the trick. I'm hoping he's right as we still aren't sure whether I'm covered by insurance. Our insurance contact told us I would be, our Dr said I wouldn't, the finance lady said I would and then called half an hour later to say I wouldn't. We will have to see what they cover when it's submitted and will pick up the rest. 
I'm pretty sure that the next thing they will want me to do is go in on cd3 for blood work and then have a HSG which is standard testing for them I think and will make sure I don't have blocked tubes. We still haven't decided exactly when we will start IUIs and how we are going to cover childcare for N, but wanted to make the most of J being off work to fit in the appointments so that we could go together. 
The next thing we have to do it pick a new donor. N's donor isn't available anymore so we have narrowed down our choices and will pick a new one soon. I'm slightly freaked out by all the attention that sperm donors are getting right now. There is that new movie coming out and a series on MTV where a group of half sibling set out to find their donor. Using a sperm donor is the way we picked to create our family, but is not something that I want to discuss with every Tom, Dick and Harry.  I haven't dealt with many questions about it since N was a baby, but wonder if we will start hearing some more now. 

School days

We had N's first parent teacher conference last week and I think it went really well. We were glad to hear that he is doing well in school and is proving to be a leader and a bit of a rule follower. He will remind the other kids of the schedule or the teachers instructions if they aren't following along. His teacher also said that he's a cerebral kid that likes to take it all in and think things through before acting.

The kids in his class are between 3 and 5 years old so letter and number learning is part of everyday activities and not learnt through letter of the week. The teacher keeps track of what the kids know and says that N is doing really well for his age. There is one formal evaluation that she does on the kids and he was one of the only kids that got it all correct! 

N still hasn't picked a dominant hand for writing so I asked his teacher which one she saw him using more. Interestingly she said left, while we have seen him using the right more. She said that he may never pick a dominate hand and that we can hand him things at his mid line and let him pick to see if it gets more consistent.

The only area of concern is that he needs to stick up for himself a little more. She told us a story of him being pushed over by another kid and when she encouraged him to talk to the other kid he told them not to push him....with a huge smile on his face! We hope that he will get better with that as he feels more comfortable with the kids, as we've seen with a friend's little girl who used to push him around all the time. We don't want him fighting back physically but we do want him to be able to stand up for himself and not be pushed around. 

N isn't signed up for any extra curricular activities right now and hasn't been for a while. He has tried soccer, tumbling and music class but none of them really held his interest. We aren't sure if it was because of his age or a lack of interest but we ended up feeling like it was a waste of time and money. I resisted signing up for anything in the fall as he got used to school and our new work schedule but he has talked about playing soccer again so we will see. J is thinking about taking him to try out karate so maybe that will be something he will enjoy and I often wonder if he would like gymnastics with all the jumping and tumbling he does. It's hard to know which activity he will like, especially when all he seems to want to do is stay home and play with his toys! 

After hunting them down we finally got his class pic. We weren't that impressed, but it does make him look very grown up already! 

Halloween

N couldn't make up his mind which costume he wanted to wear this Halloween so he ended up in 3 different ones. 3 days before Halloween he started saying that he wanted to be a mouse...but sadly I couldn't come up with a mouse costume without more notice so told him he needed to pick from the mountain of dress up clothes we have at home.

For school he was a dragon who spent lots of time growling at the other kids and staff. I tagged along to watch  the school parade and then helped with his class party afterwards. His class doesn't get to participate in the parade which is at least an hour long. The kids in kindergarten through 8th grade follow the band into town and along Main Street before looping back to school. It's quite a walk for the little ones so they got to trick or treat around school instead and I was surprised by the loot he got.

The party was fun. They made a little pumpkin beanbags, which were so cute and easy to do thanks to the sewing one of the other moms did and had a snack. Before I knew it the morning was over and we had a quick lunch before getting the big girl and bringing her to the Drs for her physical. Why yes, I am the mean nanny that schedules appts on Halloween! She wasn't happy about missing recess and was even unhappier when I took her back to school after her appointment! :-)

We ran a few errands and before we knew it were back at school to pick up the big kids. It was back to their house to change into costume number 2 for N and trick or treat with the kids for a while. N and the big boy had matching transformer costumes for this round. We only trick or treated 3 places but it was certainly not your ordinary trick or treat. First we went to the kids great aunt's house and then headed to the farm to visit the horses and then the cows! We've done the horse barn in previous years but the cow barn was a first this year. The kids love to get involved with milking but were all about the candy this time.

After dropping the kids off with their parents for more trick or treating N and I headed home to meet Mommy, change costumes and met our neighbours to trick or treat our street. There are about 10 houses on our street so it's the perfect number and we spent an hour walking around collecting lots of candy before the rain came. This time N was his favorite superhero Iron Man, minus the mask. 

He got so much candy and we had lots of leftovers as we didn't get that many trick or treaters here. We were actually surprised that the bowl we left out still had some in it when we came back from trick or treating with N. Now I am slowly working my way through it all.....It's so much fun to see N getting more into the holidays this year. He is already adding things to his Christmas list daily so Santa will have plenty of ideas this year :-)

Big week!

It's been a big week in our household. After far too many years of waiting I finally have my green card. It was a complicated process with lots of paperwork and a scary interview where we had to prove we 'live as husband and wife (had to let that one go, this time)' but it all was worth it in the end. I can stop looking over my shoulder all the time and I guess it means we really are staying in the US!

We also got marriage equality in our state on Monday! I was a little surprised that Christie gave up without more of a fight but the writing was definitely on the wall. It was a fight that he had little chance of winning and sadly he has bigger goals that I'm hoping he's not successful with.

The death of my Nanny last month has put the fire under me to get back on the TTC roller coaster. I scheduled our appt with the RE for next month and lined up a sitter for N. It's strange to be technically starting at the beginning while feeling like I already know all that stuff already. We  may be using a different uterus but we've both put in our time there. Here's hoping that we will get that BFP quickly.

N is loving his new school and other than some issues with the early morning starts its going really well. He has already been in the nurses office twice so I'm hoping that this isn't a patten he plans to keep while he's at school. We are scheduling parent teacher conferences in the next couple of weeks so it will be good to hear what his teacher has to say about him. So far I've heard that he's a mellow guy that likes to assume the super hero poses on the playground!! Not sure about the mellow part but I'm not surprised about the super hero part. As stereotypical as it sounds he's all boy!! 

We feel so blessed to have him in our lives. 

Conflicted

I got the email that I find myself constantly dreading last night...

My Nanny is really sick and they are doing what they can to keep her 'comfortable.' It's been a really tough year for her. Along with her Alzheimer's diagnosis she has had partial hip replacements on both hips, countless UTIs, has huge anxiety and has been hospitalized more times than I can count. Back in the spring we were told not to expect her to make it through the weekend. My Mum flew from Spain to England to be there and I waited here for news. She was in a coma and was not showing any response even to pain. She surprised us all by pulling through and being discharged to the residential home where she lives and has continued to have ups and downs since.

I'm towards the end in the process of getting my green card (my interview is scheduled for next month) and am not able to travel which leaves me feeling very conflicted (let's not even start on the $1,700 ticket prices right now).  The sane and sensible part of me wants her to find peace. She is not happy and I don't want her to continue to suffer. But the selfish part of me wants her to keep hanging on. To just wait a little longer so that I can get home and say goodbye to her. I've already given up on my dream of having her meet J and N as I don't want N to remember her as she is now,  I'd rather that his memories of her are from the stories that I tell him. But I'd love to get the chance to say goodbye to her. To thank her for being the constant in my childhood that showed me love and affection, in a way that my parents never did. She was the only person who told me that she loved me and I know that a large part of who I am today is thanks to the time that I spent with her and my Grampy. She is the reason that I'm constantly telling N and J that I love them. Even if they find it too much at times I don't care, it's important to me that I'm sure they know.

So here I am waiting again. Apparently I will get updates by text or email........WTF parents. This is probably one of those times when a phone call would be nice. They don't do emotional stuff very well (stiff upper lip gets in the way) so it's probably the way they can avoid dealing with me being upset.
Sometimes being thousands of miles away really sucks and this is one of those times :-( 

Showers and tea

I went to the third of my friend's baby showers today. I was at the first one too, a week after our m/c. 

This one was held at a tea room and we got to enjoy a somewhat authentic high tea. The lobster bisque was amazing and the tea sandwiches....interesting. What I thought was coronation chicken was actually some kind of curried tuna, it tasted better than it sounds, but some of the others were odd. Who wants jam with their chicken salad? Or apples with the ham and cheese? A nice cheese and cucumber or cheese and pickle would have been good. The scone wasn't bad - although I missed the raisins that I remember my Nan putting in hers. And I had to request milk for my tea, they only had honey and sugar on the tables. I don't know a single Brit who puts honey in their PG Tips or Tetleys! 

Anyway...baby showers are interesting things especially when you are still dealing with a loss. The first shower I strategically placed myself with a woman who doesn't have kids and my friend's stuffy, older in-laws. We didn't talk about kids, only work and travel. I made it through the food and the gifts, feeling proud of myself for holding it together. Was just getting ready to leave when I heard that a friend of ours is expecting her third. She has a 2 year old and an almost 1 year old. In the time we have been trying for number 2, she's already on 3. That tipped me over the edge and I got into my car after and cried all the way back to work. Driving while crying that hard is not recommended, but I was running late and needed to pick up the big boy and bring him to a friend's house. 

 

There was no crying after today's shower but it was still hard to deal with. Today there were 6 women (and 3 little girls), all of us mothers or mothers to be. The talk was all about kids, pregnancy and birth. I got asked THE question  - 'so are you guys going to have any more?' I've come to hate that question and I think I always pause before I answer it with one of my stock answers. 'We'd like to.' Or 'we're talking about it.' I use my stock answers because they are the acceptable ones, the ones people want to hear, without details that will make them uncomfortable and ones that won't piss off my wife. But I also feel guilty for using them. I'm denying that those BFP's ever happened. Saying that those babies never existed, even if they were only there for all to brief a time. J would say that I tend to over share, telling people things they don't need to know and she's probably right, but I guess I just feel that by not saying anything I'm taking away from that fact that those babies were loved, so wanted and will never be forgotten. We planted 2 new trees after our m/c last year, we call them our 'baby trees' for more reasons then many people will ever know.  

Calm after the storm

Thanks for the support and sorry for the silence. Things haven't been easy over here and I was staying away from the blog because it would have been seriously depressing!!!

Loosing the pregnancy was definitely the hardest thing we have been through personally and together as a couple. We don't handle these things the same way and for a while there we just couldn't get on the same page. It felt like we couldn't be around each other, didn't seem to like each other and I have to admit there were times that I wasn't sure we would get through it. But we did and are in such a good place right now that we are enjoying each other way more than we have for a long time ;-)

As far as TTC goes J is officially done and any future baby will be coming from me. We don't really have a timeline but we have started looking for a donor, I cracked open the fertility drawer (everyone has one right?) and started using the fertility monitor. 

I really want to loose a few lbs,  give up caffeine -my morning cuppa :-( and cut down on the addiction I have to sugar in my diet before I get pregnant. More than any of that I have to work through some mental stuff before we start trying. I have a big distrust/dislike of Drs and am not excited by all the stuff I have to go through to get that BFP - if there were a way we could do it ourselves I'd be all over it, (I'm already easing J into the idea of a home birth) but I know that our chances are higher if we go the monitored doctor route. The biggest issue that I'm working through is fear. I'm scared that I might miscarry too. I know that it may not happen to me, but there are no guarantees and right now I feel like it's a huge gamble. We watched our friend m/c just the other day, there is no rhyme or reason as to why or to whom it happens and because we shared about ours loss we are hearing about other people's more often. Learning that it happens more often than you know and just isn't talked about. I don't know if I or we can handle another loss and really don't want to find out.

While we were on the beach last weekend I asked J if she ever thought we were pushing our luck by TTC and maybe should be one and done. She said that even with everything she's been through that had never come up for her. That she wants N to have a sibling and from working in education sees what only children are like and doesn't want that for him. I want him to have a sibling too, but also wonder about what we are taking from him by having another child and about the ever growing age gap that will be between our children. I never imagined having children 4 or more years apart. I'm the worrier in our relationship...can you tell? 

I do really want to have a baby and get to experience pregnancy and childbirth so know that at some point I will have to take that leap and trust that everything will work out! 

guilt, grief and the miles between us

Every morning I wake and remember that there will not be a Christmas baby in our house. The heaviness hits my heart so hard that it's hard to breathe. Hard to get out of bed and harder still to go about every day things as if all this crap isn't happening to us. But we have a 3 year old, jobs and a house to run that make it impossible not to keep trudging on.

I know that it's early days and that time is a great healer but I feel like this time is the worst one yet. Maybe because we paid for the PGD and knew that we were transferring genetically healthy embryos. Or maybe it's because we knew the sex of those embryos that it seems to feel so much harder. To me that baby had an imagined identity already and we'd already been throwing around name ideas. All those hopes and dreams that went along with that baby are gone...just like that.

People deal with grief very differently, J and I are no exceptions there. She likes to put her head down, keep busy and get on with everything. I'm much more emotional and want to scream, shout and cry. Ask the pointless question of 'why?' 'Why us?' 'Why this baby?' Questions that we may never know the answers too....

We told very few people about the pregnancy so don't have lots to untell like we did last year. But it also means that people have no clue what we are going through - no idea why we don't want to go to this party or that baby shower.... Miscarriage is not something that is talked about very openly. Our neighbour had one the weekend of N's birthday and was almost apologetic when she told me about it - tried to brush it off, based on the response that she had gotten for others. We had already guessed that was the reason they didn't make it to N's birthday. But would that have been our guess if we hadn't already been through 2 at that point....probably not.

I feel very guilty that J is going through this again - facing her 3rd procedure and walking around still technically pregnant even tho we know the baby's heart isn't beating any more. She was alone when she found out the baby was gone. I was at work with N and was so sure that it would be ok, although I was disappointed not to go, I didn't think it would turn out the way it did...not this time.
I have no idea how she managed to drive from that appt to get N and then pretended that everything was ok - lied to me that it was. Until my work day was done and I got home. At first I thought she was joking, couldn't believe what she was telling me, then it sunk in and the tears started. I feel needy and want to be held while I cry for our lost baby. She can't go there yet, it's too soon for her so I feel the miles between us so acutely right now. We retreat to our own corners as we try to deal with it. Coming together occasionally but mostly apart - trying not to upset each other as we tip toe around our own house, around our 3 year old who we have no idea how much he understands. I told him that we wouldn't be getting a new baby after all. That the baby in mommy's tummy had died. That mommy and mama are sad. He only has a vague understanding of what death means and moved on quickly so who knows what he got from the conversation.

WTF universe?

I can't believe that I am writing another one if these posts...

We found out yesterday that we lost our longed for baby. J had a feeling at the start of the week that something was off and called in a favor from a dr friend of hers. Sadly the news wasn't good. This has not been an easy pregnancy. (I've drafted previous posts and always felt hesitant to post them). Both embryos implanted and we lost one baby early on, but were so hopeful that the other would continue to grow after hearing a strong hb at 8 wks. We were discharged from the RE, had our first OB visit and finally told J's parents and N. The constant exhaustion that J felt was tough to see, and the countless shots and endless amounts of stuff that she/we pumped into her body was more than I could probably endure. She handled it all like a trooper, never complaining and reminding herself that it would all be worth it in the end....

I took N with me shopping for a baby shower gift for a friend yesterday and while at the store he pointed out several things he wanted to get for the baby. I came so close to letting him get something...... 

I'm at a loss for words....so sad, hurt and very angry. It sucks to be here again. 

Argh....

I'm having one of those days when I wish I had just stayed in bed!!

Neither N or myself are morning people. We both like to stay up late and sleep late, which generally works well for us. But on days like today when he has school it's no fun for either of us. I went in to wake him at 8 and the first thing he does is asks for J and then starts crying when I tell him that she is at work. This happens most mornings no matter what time he wakes up :-( Most of the time he gets over it quickly but on days like today it feels endless. He cries and asks for Mommy and while comforting him I end up apologizing that she's not there and that he's stuck with me. It can get pretty soul destroying at times.....I'm putting in 90% of the child care right now and sometimes can't help taking it personally when he asks for J all the time.

We made it to school 15 minutes late and I headed right home to get on with my never ending to do list.  There always seems like so much to do and not enough time to get it done. We leave for work at 12 and the morning seems to fly by - I get a little more done when he's at school but when he's home it's harder to juggle giving him attention and getting stuff done. I try to get a jump start on dinner prep as well as the cleaning and the never ending pile of laundry.

I left home at 11.45 to get N and head to work. When we were 5 mins away I got a text from my boss telling me that she would pick up the big boy. So we hung out at work and waited for them to show up. When the arrived we played with the big boy and the new puppy for half an hour while my hungover sick boss headed to bed. She then called my phone from her bedroom to talk to her son (WTF!), who went in to be with her. N and I were left waiting to find out what was going to happen and at 2 we got the answer. She called me again to say that she and the big boy were going to watch a movie so we could go home.  We were at work for all of an hour and a half when it takes us 25 mins to drive there. ARGH!!! I hate it when that happens, if she had called and told me earlier I would have happily stayed home and not wasted my time going over there. I'm thankful that N didn't throw a tantrum when I told him we were going home as he has been doing at the end of every day recently.

Sorry for my rant. I think that I'm over tired and have been eating way too much junk food recently. (Why yes, it was me that ate all those cookies!) I'm trying so hard to take care of J and N but today I could use a break.  That said and out of my system I'm going to take my boy and head out to play!

Birthday weekend

While it may have been Mother's Day this past Sunday it was also N's 3rd birthday, so we spent the weekend celebrating the boy who made us mothers!! How can our baby be 3 already??? It seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye. Our tiny helpless baby has turned into a stubborn independent, funny, smart, amazing big boy.

Newborn N

3 years old

On Saturday we had a party for 15 of N's friends at an indoor play space. He had a blast playing in the tunnels, running around with his friends and checking out the pretend play areas. The big boy came to his party this year and N was so happy to have him there. A couple of people commented to me that they could see how much N looks up the the big boy. It's not always a good thing, but for the most part both boys have benefited from having each other in their lives. 

We had tried to prepare N in the week running up to his birthday as to what would be going on and what we expected of him on the day of his party. He is used to just doing his own thing when he goes to the play space and when we took him there for another party he didn't want to follow along with the timing of the party. He just wanted to keep playing and not stop for pizza and cake, so we told him he would be sitting in the special party chair and that he had to stay in the party room for the whole pizza and cake part. He did so well and only wanted to get up when the big boy got up to come and check out the baby I was holding. By the end of the 2 hrs all the kids, including our own were exhausted, but I think that everyone had a great time! 

On Sunday  we started the day watching N's birth movie. We had an amazing Douala with us during N's delivery and she took hundreds of great pics. We always watch it on his birthday (and plenty of other times too!) and this year the pregnancy hormones got the best of J and she just might have shed a few tears while she watched it :-) N loves to watch himself being born and while J doesn't like the actual c-section part N loves to talk about his arrival butt first!

Then he got stuck into all his gifts. I think he did really well this year with lots of gifts to go along with his love of pretend play. He got lots of dress up clothes, a lot of clothes (not a popular gift), cars, quite a few water pistols and after a long search I finally found a boy baby doll that isn't scary looking.

Mountain of gifts

Getting in a little practice

Arrgh matey

Packaging is always more fun!

Mommy and her mini me

After a rough start I finally pulled off his home made cake for the family party on Sunday. Although it took a couple of attempts and I ended up having to get up early on Sunday morning to finish it I was happy with the end result. I'm not sure why it's so important to me that he has a home made cake every birthday but I hope it's a tradition that I can continue. Thank goodness for pintrest which I had been browsing for weeks to get the inspiration. 

We have lots of leftovers and I'm not doing a good job of staying away from them. Guess I will have to  get back to my diet after J's birthday next week!! 

We had such a great weekend celebrating with friends and family. N was totally spoilt with all the attention and gifts that he got and now to top it all off we are all sick :-( J is probably suffering the most as it only adds to the exhaustion of early pregnancy and she can't take anything to help her feel better. Hopefully we will all shift this cold quickly and be feeling better soon. 

Mother's Day tea

Yesterday N's school had a Mother's Day tea. We only found out that the tea was happening on the schools fb page and didn't know when or where it was so J wasn't able to make it :-(   I eventually found out the details from a note stuck on the door when I arrived to drop N off. (Communication is not a strong point there. Sigh, only a few more weeks!)  Basically they had a room set up where moms and kids could have tea and read a story. I know they separate it from the regular class so moms that are working and can't make it don't have a kid that feels like they are missing out. N and I were the only ones in the room, the director stopped by to take a couple of pics and the art teacher  came in to show me N's project that SHE hadn't managed to get finished. 

As you can see from the first pic I'm training the boy in the art of making the perfect cuppa. Harder than you might think!! Guess some people might say I'm fussy about my tea :-) 

The card and flower his teacher 'helped' him to make. 

We are looking forward to celebrating our boy this weekend at he turns 3. Sob, sob. He is having 2 parties this year. A friend party at an indoor play space and then a small family party at home. Can't believe that he's 3 already... 

What a night!

Once upon a time that statement would mean a whole different thing. Sadly now it's totally kid related!!

N fell asleep on the way home from work at about 6.45 last night. I usually try to keep him awake on the 25 min drive. Which usually involves talking, singing and some toe tickling on my part, with the whining, shouting and crying added by N for fun! Last night he just wasn't having any of it - despite telling me that he wasn't going to sleep he was out less than 5 mins from our house!

We pulled in and J came out to meet us, so we debated whether to put him to bed or wake him up. N never goes to bed that early so we knew we had 2 choices. Wake him up and deal with a cranky N and a late night, or put  him to bed and have him wake early. We decided to put him to bed and see what happened. He woke up after an hr, but just because he was too hot. So I used that moment to put a diaper on and tuck him back in.

I gave J her shot and she went off to bed by 8.30. I then decided that I better try and get some sleep so went to bed super early for me at 9. (I'm a bit of a night owl and hardly ever go to bed before midnight.) Luckily N has always run a later than average schedule which means that he's not usually up super early and that works for me/us as I'm not really a morning person and we get a lie in (to sleep late) on weekends! But last night he was up at 1, thanks to a bad dream, I think. He was mumbling about someone hitting and kicking him. Then J got up to him at 1.30, when he was talking about wanting to go home. She ended up bringing him downstairs for an hr before trying to put him back to to bed. But he was wide awake and not interested in sleeping. I took over and she went back to bed while N and I headed back downstairs. We watched some tv, ate snacks and played until 4.30, when I tried to convince him to lie down with me. That wasn't working - he's not a co-sleeper, so I took him to his bed and he was out. Until 7.30 that is - when his diaper leaked, thanks to all the middle of the night drinking I'm sure! I carried him downstairs and now he is sleeping on the couch while I type this. He will get his 12/13 hrs in the end, just not in the most conventional way!

Exhausted

I can't believe that it's only Wednesday. This week has been so emotionally draining that I feel like it should be Friday. I'm so ready for the weekend.

We started the week with a terrifying scare with the pregnancy. A sad reminder that this experience is totally out of our control. A text to our wonderful nurse gave us some reassurance and an earlier than scheduled trip to the RE saw a great beta number. Our little embies are hanging in there! I'm trying to remember to keep breathing and take it one day at a time or one RE visit at a time.

The stress and a case of PMS led to not enough patience with our already confused little man last night. I ended up sending him to bed with no stories for the first time ever. His bed time avoidance strategies are legendary and that is always the time of day when I have the least patience.  After repeated requests to work with me at getting ready for bed he just wasn't willing to play ball, so he lost stories. But did win the battle of going to bed diaper free (a subject for another post) as I didn't have the energy to fight with him about it. Of course that meant changing his bed this morning....He went to sleep fine and I was left with my mom guilt for company!

Poor N, he knows that something is going on, but can't figure it out. He is missing his mommy so much and although she's been around more as it's her spring break, she's concentrating on taking it easy and resting. J is usually the rough and tumble, fun parent and all that stuff is strictly off limits so he's having to adjust to that. We just about broke his heart yesterday when we met up to trade cars and he didn't get to go home with mommy, but came to work with me instead. He cried for a good 10 mins and talked about wanting to go home to mommy for a lot longer :-( I felt so bad for him and at times like that I also have to fight that age old trigger that tells me that I'm not good enough.

On our drive home from work today N told me that he's growing two babies in his tummy. A boy baby and a girl baby. We are very careful not to talk about the pregnancy in front of him so are not sure where he got this from. Maybe he has inside information!!

School

I anxiously took N into school on tuesday not sure that I wanted to leave him there after last week. He could totally sense my feelings and tried to tell me that he really wanted to come to the grocery store with me. When that didn't work he started to tell me that his tummy hurt!
I was happy to see that they have made some changes since last week. There is a note on the door asking all those coming and going to make sure that the door is shut. Bells now hang on the handle so they can hear if my kid, or anyone else's decide to make a run for it. And they had a baby gate up stopping the kids from going into the cubby area, keeping them in the main room. His teacher apologized again and said that they felt bad about it. While I appreciate the apology it still worries me, so we've decided to give notice and take him out. Luckily for us I got called into work Thursday morning so he didn't go to school at all. I have a feeling that may be the way it plays out while we get through the month notice period.

N and I visited another school on Monday morning and after the initial shy period he was right at home there. We were scheduled for a 30 min visit and stayed for an hr and a half. Even then I had to drag him out with the promise of breakfast. It's a small school with a max of 7 kids in what would be N's class - he actually knows a bunch of the kids from moms club so I like that. But we are slightly concerned about the academics side if things. They will work on colors, shapes, some numbers, name identification and spelling of name. This is all stuff that N already knows so it could potentially be boring for him?! The kids get outside play as the weather allows, do lots of projects, including baking with the director who is a chef. From my point of view there is more parent involvement. They have a class mom, sign up sheets for volunteers, chance to read in the class, parent teacher conferences, twice yearly shows and lots of fun field trips.

I guess that my indecision over schools is not uncommon, but I sure am having a hard time with it. Part of the problem is probably that since I've lived in the US I've worked for very wealthy families. Those kids have always done every activity you can imagine and gone to the best schools. If we could afford to I'd send N to the big boy's school, but at $15,000 a year (just for preschool) it's not only out of our budget but it's also 30 mins from our house. That would mean lots of time in the car for N and even more for the new baby who would have to travel there and back twice a day. As preschool for this age is between 2.5 and 3 hrs I really want somewhere close to home. It would be nice to get some things done while he's at school and not spend the whole time in the car!

Down on the farm

We took the big girl to her riding lesson and as the weather was so nice we stayed to play and see what was going on at the farm. It's a small dairy so we checked out the baby cows - which the boys claimed and named, Blue eyes, Harry 1 and 2 and Scratchy.
We then went to help with milking where all the boys wanted to do was help clean the udders. No one was brave enough to hand milk this time. There were lots of discussions about the differences between boy and girls, both human and bovine which is always fun to listen to!
After the excitement of the cow barn we headed to look for eggs in the chicken coop. N was so proud of his egg. It made it all the way home in one piece. Only to be dropped when he went to the door to see our neighbor! He then proceeded to play with the broken egg and shell until I called time on that messy experiment.

On a happier note...

This happened!!!!!!!!

We transferred (FET) 2 healthy embryos into J on April 6th and I got a text from her on Friday saying 'babe, I think I am' (6 days post transfer). I asked if she wanted to POAS and she said no, so I let it go. But by the time I got home she had changed her mind. I waited for the results while she played with N and in no time at all that magical word appeared. N told me off for 'shouting' as I ran to find them. Lol!

Saturday morning I'm in the bathroom with N and the test was on the counter. He picked it up and our conversation went like this -

N: mama, what's this?
Me: ummm, that is a special stick that tells us something about Mommy's body.
N: it can't tell you anything. It doesn't have a mouth, so no voice (as he pulls the cap off).
Me: ah, don't take that off, you are right. It doesn't tell us anything by talking. But see this word, that tells us something about Mommy's body.
N: oh.

We aren't telling him at this point. In fact we aren't telling anyone and haven't shared that we are even TTC at all. People frequently ask what, when or if we are going to have a baby and we say things like we hope to, would like to, maybe next year....anything to get them off the subject.
It's exactly a year since our 2nd mc and even though not many people knew last time we don't want to have to go through telling people again. We are only sharing here because I REALLY, REALLY wanted to (thanks babe!) I'm holding the faith right now and would love it if you guys could send lots of sticky baby dust our way. We are cautiously excited but more than a little terrified....Amanda I'm borrowing your saying a lot ;-) If you know us IRL please don't say anything. We plan to keep it quiet as long as we can, at least until we reach the 2nd trimester and if I know J, longer if she can get away with it!!

I think our EDD is December 22nd but as it will be a repeat section I expect that it will happen a little earlier. He/she/they(?!) will be the perfect early Christmas present :-)

So NOT happy

Today when I arrived at school to pick N up I found him in the hallway, opposite the front door.
I asked him what he was doing there and he told me that a girl in his class had said I was there, so he went to check. I led him back into his classroom, while telling him that he isn't allowed to leave unless he's with me or with one of his teachers. His classroom was quiet and the lights were off as the other kids were being put down for naps. I stopped in the cubby area, right inside the door to zip N into his coat and asked him where his teachers were. He said he didn't know so I went looking for them. They were both in the main part of the classroom, rubbing the backs of 2 kids that they were putting down for a nap. When I told them that I had found him in the hallway they were surprised that he wasn't playing with the farm animals and then thought that I'd found him by the cubbies. I'm not sure if he opened the door and let himself out or if the door was already open, but from where they were they couldn't see the cubby area or the door. His teacher and I walked out to the hallway so I could show her where I found him, while she told him that he had to stay in the classroom and apologized to me. While we were there we met the school director and told her what had happened. She laughed and said that maybe he had been on his way to find her!!! He could have wandered anywhere in the school, fallen down the stairs or even found his way outside and they didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

The truth is that this is just the latest in a series of issues that I've been having with the school. Last week when I picked N up there was a substitute teacher who I heard raising her voice with one of the kids in N's class. She wasn't exactly shouting, but her voice was a little louder and her tone firmer than I want to hear. She was 'talking' to a kid that I often hear being spoken too and was changing someone else's diaper at the time, so I chalked it up to being one of those things that sometimes happens. (I know I'm not perfect!) Then on Tuesday when I arrived to get N, I looked over at the playground and saw that the teacher in charge of one of the older classes was staring down at her cell phone, while all the kids ran around.

I called J and filled her in on the latest news from school and she said we would talk about it tonight, when N wasn't around to listen in. She asked if I wanted her to 'go all principal' on them and I told her that I was angry and upset, both at them and myself. I probably should have not been as nice about as I was, they probably have no idea how bothered I am by it and I haven't said anything about any of the other issues. I tend to be very emotional and am not good at confrontation at all, but now I'm not sure what I want to do. I want N to be safe and happy there and I just can't trust that that is the case. But on the other hand when we were on a play date with a moms club friend on Monday she mentioned how great school was for N. He was so much more outgoing with both the mom and her daughter, chatting away to them and initiating play in a way that he has never done before.

Before today we had already been talking about finding a new school for him and just this morning I made an appt to see another one on Monday morning. He wouldn't start until sept, so now I have to decide whether to pull him from his current school immediately and eat the cost (we have to give one months written notice to terminate the contract) or hope that it doesn't get any worse and stick with the original plan of keeping him there until July.

Mommy moment!?

Warning - you probably don't want to read this if you are eating...

On Saturday N and I were hanging out at a friend's house, he was busy keeping up with the 4 and 5 year olds and I was sitting at the table having a natter and something to eat with my friend. When N comes to tell me that he needs to use the potty - not even 2 minutes after he had just been. I took one look at him and saw him trying to squeeze his little butt together and jumped from my seat, took his hand to take him to the bathroom, wondering if we were already too late. The closer we got to the bathroom the slower he was walking and the more worried he looked and sounded.
We get into the bathroom and I pull his pants down and look in his underwear - nothing there! But then I saw it and without thinking stuck my hand out to catch it!!!
Only after I got him and the offending poop onto and into the potty did I realise what I had done. Then I was totally grossed out. I washed my hands 3 times while he sat on the potty and once more after he washed his. LOL
Unfortunately for J, I picked dinner time to share the story with her!! Think I earned some mom points for that one. Although to be honest it was just an automatic reaction, I do the same with vomit too. Anything to avoid a mess!

Later the same night N woke at 11.30 from a bad dream. He was stuck in that place between being asleep and awake so I took him downstairs to try and calm him down and while we were rocking his diaper leaked. I got pooped and peed on all in one day, can't remember that happening since he was a tiny baby!!!

Hoppy Easter!

We had a great Easter weekend. The Easter bunny treated our little guy very well and I'm now working my way through way too much candy!!!

On Saturday night we had dinner with J's parents and on Sunday we headed to the state next to ours to see Sesame Street live. We did the same thing last year and N had a great time. This year it was still great to see his reactions but it wasn't as magical as last year. His favorite thing was probably the popcorn and the seriously expensive balloon he got!

The last week

My time off comes to an end tomorrow and unlike N, I'm so not ready to go back to work. He has really missed the big boy and has asked to go and see him every day. Sadly we are still struggling to get back to being healthy. N still has a cough and runny nose,  poor J has bronchitis and is now on antibiotics. She had to take off from work on Friday and has already called out for tomorrow too. She hardly ever gets sick, especially not at this time of year. This so called spring has been so crazy!

We've mostly been playing at home during the last two weeks, but I did take N for a much needed haircut! The hairdresser asked if he wanted it spiked and N said yes. He totally loved the spiky look and I had to buy gel to recreate the look at home too!

N got these magnets for Christmas and they were the favorite toy for a while - thankfully he isn't the kind of kid that puts everything in his mouth, so we don't really worry about him with the tiny balls that are part of this set. He lost interest after playing with them every day for months, but they became popular again this week. This picture is of an 'airplane' that he made. That tiny diamond you see was my seat (he obviously has no idea what size my butt is!) and his seat was behind it. We flew to London to see my sister and his cousin, before heading to Florida to see the big boy.

There has been lots of dress up. The favorites being cowboy, pirate and astronaut. He has totally got the cowboy thing down. He lifts his hat and says 'howdy partner!' It's so cute! 

We've also been doing a ton of art projects. I noticed in the last couple of weeks that N's art work has become more deliberate and especially when painting it's less about mixing the colors and spreading it all around the paper. I'm not sure if this is related to his age or the adult 'help' that he gets at school. Most of the projects that come home from school are a little too perfect and have me wondering how much 'help' he gets with them! All the art work has left me wondering what to do with it all. I have to admit that I'm not that sentimental about it and know that we are going to see so much of it that we don't need to keep everything. Some of it goes to J's office, but I've also been using it to make birthday cards and wrapping paper. That way we can share it with others and it is then up to them what they want to do with it!

Tissue paper and glue

Sponge painting

Finished painting

Birthday cards put together by me

Today was our street's Easter egg hunt. N was so excited by the prospect of candy!!! Considering he didn't have any candy until he was around 2, he is now candy crazy. We've been talking a lot about healthy foods and treats while we've been home and I know they talk about it at school too. He knows that he has to eat healthy food before he can get a treat, but he's not always happy about it! Just like last year our neighbour separated the little kids from the big ones and it was so funny to watch. The big kids  had their eggs collected within minutes while the little kids were over it before all of the eggs in their area were picked up. We were sad that J didn't feel up to coming out for it, but N was so happy to show her his loot when he got home!