Decision made

I start BCP for IVF when my next cycle starts right around Christmas.

J says that I'm over thinking and worrying about things that may not even happen (twins!). She is probably right, but that's just the way that I am and the process I need to go through to reach the same result she did as soon as IVF was the recommended course for me. I had to allow myself to feel mad, sad (how could my body let me down?) and scared (will the drugs make me crazy?) before I was able to get on board with it all. As J said I was supposed to be the 'easy' one when it came time to get me pregnant and it hasn't worked out that way yet.

I didn't qualify for the IVF study as I'm not skinny enough(!), but there is a study that provides chromosomal testing on the embryos that I did qualify for. It means that they will test all the embryos we get for free and weed out any that have chromosomal abnormalities, but the draw back is that they will definitely transfer 2 embryos and because they are 'healthy' embryos there is a 40% increase in the possibility of twins. If it doesn't work the first round we know that any frosties we end up with will also be healthy so hopefully it will only be a matter of time before we get a BFP.

I also found out today that because I have such a high follicle count (which is apparently a good thing) I can't do a fresh transfer. I'm at a higher risk of hyperstimulation and putting the embryos straight back increases this risk. I will have to do a FET the following month. Right now the tentative schedule is retrieval at the end of Jan and FET at the end of Feb. It seems like ages away right now, as I said to my nurse now I've decided to go down the IVF road I'm keen to get started. 

The other weekend we spent lots of time in church..... a strange experience for me which probably needs its own post one day. Saturday we went to our friend's wedding and a baptism on Sunday. 

The wedding was beautiful. There is something about watching a (lesbian) couple making that commitment to each other that reminds you what marriage is all about. As sappy as it sounds it made me fall more in love with J and reminded me of the couple we were before we had N and stepped onto the crazy TCC train. Aren't we cute?

Opps

Not my best parenting moment on Friday, but I thought it was kinda funny so thought I'd share ;-)

I took N with me on Friday to pick up my hsg films, or cd as it ended up being and drop them off at the RE's office. When we got to the RE's I explained to him that this was a place that was just for grown ups and that kids weren't supposed to be there, so that I expected him to be calm and quiet while we were there. (Our RE has a no kids in the office policy so the TTC patients aren't upset). Luckily we made it in and out without seeing any patients, just the office staff, doctors and nurses.

As we were walking away from the building N looked through the window and into the lab, where we could see 3 people looking into mircroscopes. He asked what they were doing in there and without thinking I replied 'they are making babies!' So now my son probably thinks that is how all babies are made...Oppss!

I'm still waiting to hear from my RE after he looks at the films. I did take a look at the report which said my right tube was totally blocked and not visable on the scan at all. The left tube is occluded with only a little dye visable in the tube and there was no overspill at the other end. I'm expecting him to recommend going straight to ivf and our nurse said that they are starting a study that includes pgd (genetic testing on embryos) in Jan/feb. She thinks I might qualify for it, so I'm waiting for info on that too. 

I'm still feeling a little discomfort on my right side but I think at this point it's related to regular ovulation pain as well. 

I was grateful to get to sleep late today when N's school was canceled due to the weather. He was probably happy too, as a 3-5pm nap yesterday meant a late night for us!! 

Hsg

On Monday night we put N to bed at his regular time but for some reason he decided he wasn't tired. I think he was actually overtired and overstimulated after his first day back at school and work after the holidays. It was after 10 when he finally gave up and went to sleep. Needless to say Tuesday morning was not pretty. He was up before 7 and I didn't have to wake him up like I usually do, but he sure was cranky. He decided that he wasn't in a listening or cooperating mood and that whining and kicking was the way he was going to communicate. Somehow we made it out the door and to school just about on time, even with a couple of time outs thrown into the mix. I felt bad for his teacher, but had a feeling that he would probably be fine there and save all the not so nice stuff for me! 

When I picked him up from school the report was all good, little monkey! But he was still a crank so I was kind of relieved to leave him home with J and go get my hsg done! As much as I was not looking forward to the test I was happy to head out for some alone time, pretty sad really!!

I'm not sure what the deal is with our RE now but many of the tests that they used to do in the office they are now farming out. J had all of her HSGs done in the office and dealt with all her genetic testing stuff there too. I have been dealing with outside places for all of this stuff. I ended up having a whole gene sequence done, which I wasn't really interested in having done in the first place. I have no family history of anything and J and I have always been in agreement that we welcome any child we get, even one with any challenges. Insurance covered 80% of the genetic tests but we still have to pay the rest - which wasn't cheap. So we could have saved ourselves and the insurance company some money there. Mine showed that I'm a carrier for some rare and obscure condition that is basically an allergy to anesthesia. I'm pretty sure that most people have something if you look closely enough.

The hsg test was a little bizarre. The radiology center isn't really set up for gyno stuff so I had to do some serious maneuvering on the X-ray table. I had to scoot up the table and roll left and right, all with a speculum and catheter in my lady parts!! It's kind of unnerving when everyone else in the room is covering up with lead and you're lying there half naked, ready to get x-rayed.  The Dr was from South Africa and once he found out I was a Brit he asked how I explained cricket to the Americans, my reply was simple, 'I don't!' Just because I'm a Brit doesn't mean I know anything about cricket, or any other sport for that matter! 

I heard today that it looks like both my tubes are blocked :-(  so our crazy TTC roller coaster continues. I have to pick up the films tmrw and drop them off at the RE's office. Then we will need to go and meet with him again, this time to discuss IVF. While I'm grateful to know this info before we invested time, money and effort in any IUIs and I'm pretty sure that now I'm officially 'infertile' insurance will cover my treatment. I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm more than a little upset and not totally sure what I want to do. I'm not excited about the prospect of  IVF and not convinced that I'm going to be able to handle it as well as my wife did. Never mind the fact that there is only a 1 in 4 chance of IVF being successful.....and I'm terrified of having twins, even though I am one. Argh...think I need more ice cream! 

Thanksgiving

I started Thanksgiving day bright and early at the RE for day 3 blood work. Thanks to their holiday hours I didn't have to be there quite as early as usual but I wasn't the only person who thought 8 am was the perfect time to be there. It was packed. I was in and out in under 10 mins as I am not planning to insem this cycle I only needed to give blood.

We had a nice quiet morning at home watching as much of the parade on TV as N could stand before he wanted to watch 'his show.' Then we played, took naps and got ready to head to J's cousins for dinner. 

N had a great time playing with his 14 year old cousin. They ran around the house, played hockey and cars all while the moms got to relax, eat and drink way too much! This is the first year that we were the last to leave. Usually we are heading out with a cranky N at bedtime. But this year he was having so much fun that he didn't want to leave! It's so nice that he and his cousin played so well together and N needed much less hand holding from us. 

No long after we got in the car to start the 1.5hr journey home he was out. As he was sleeping J suggested that we stop by the outlet mall and so I could pick up Christmas presents that need to be mailed to England while she stayed in the car with N. I thought it was a terrible idea and the last thing that I wanted to be doing. After bitching and complaining I eventually saw the wisdom in the idea, hit the stores and got some great bargains for my siblings. Thanks honey!! 

On Friday we took N to see Disney's live pirate and princess show. N loved it and it was so great to watch him take in the magic of it all. He interacted with all the action on the stage and danced along to all the songs that he knows a little to well ;-) He actually seemed to enjoy the princess part of the show most so I was a little taken aback yesterday when he told me that girls like pretty colors (pink and purple), while boys like awesome colors (red and blue). We don't talk about boys and girls colors or toys but sadly he is already getting that information from others.