guilt, grief and the miles between us

Every morning I wake and remember that there will not be a Christmas baby in our house. The heaviness hits my heart so hard that it's hard to breathe. Hard to get out of bed and harder still to go about every day things as if all this crap isn't happening to us. But we have a 3 year old, jobs and a house to run that make it impossible not to keep trudging on.

I know that it's early days and that time is a great healer but I feel like this time is the worst one yet. Maybe because we paid for the PGD and knew that we were transferring genetically healthy embryos. Or maybe it's because we knew the sex of those embryos that it seems to feel so much harder. To me that baby had an imagined identity already and we'd already been throwing around name ideas. All those hopes and dreams that went along with that baby are gone...just like that.

People deal with grief very differently, J and I are no exceptions there. She likes to put her head down, keep busy and get on with everything. I'm much more emotional and want to scream, shout and cry. Ask the pointless question of 'why?' 'Why us?' 'Why this baby?' Questions that we may never know the answers too....

We told very few people about the pregnancy so don't have lots to untell like we did last year. But it also means that people have no clue what we are going through - no idea why we don't want to go to this party or that baby shower.... Miscarriage is not something that is talked about very openly. Our neighbour had one the weekend of N's birthday and was almost apologetic when she told me about it - tried to brush it off, based on the response that she had gotten for others. We had already guessed that was the reason they didn't make it to N's birthday. But would that have been our guess if we hadn't already been through 2 at that point....probably not.

I feel very guilty that J is going through this again - facing her 3rd procedure and walking around still technically pregnant even tho we know the baby's heart isn't beating any more. She was alone when she found out the baby was gone. I was at work with N and was so sure that it would be ok, although I was disappointed not to go, I didn't think it would turn out the way it did...not this time.
I have no idea how she managed to drive from that appt to get N and then pretended that everything was ok - lied to me that it was. Until my work day was done and I got home. At first I thought she was joking, couldn't believe what she was telling me, then it sunk in and the tears started. I feel needy and want to be held while I cry for our lost baby. She can't go there yet, it's too soon for her so I feel the miles between us so acutely right now. We retreat to our own corners as we try to deal with it. Coming together occasionally but mostly apart - trying not to upset each other as we tip toe around our own house, around our 3 year old who we have no idea how much he understands. I told him that we wouldn't be getting a new baby after all. That the baby in mommy's tummy had died. That mommy and mama are sad. He only has a vague understanding of what death means and moved on quickly so who knows what he got from the conversation.