Exhausted

I can't believe that it's only Wednesday. This week has been so emotionally draining that I feel like it should be Friday. I'm so ready for the weekend.

We started the week with a terrifying scare with the pregnancy. A sad reminder that this experience is totally out of our control. A text to our wonderful nurse gave us some reassurance and an earlier than scheduled trip to the RE saw a great beta number. Our little embies are hanging in there! I'm trying to remember to keep breathing and take it one day at a time or one RE visit at a time.

The stress and a case of PMS led to not enough patience with our already confused little man last night. I ended up sending him to bed with no stories for the first time ever. His bed time avoidance strategies are legendary and that is always the time of day when I have the least patience.  After repeated requests to work with me at getting ready for bed he just wasn't willing to play ball, so he lost stories. But did win the battle of going to bed diaper free (a subject for another post) as I didn't have the energy to fight with him about it. Of course that meant changing his bed this morning....He went to sleep fine and I was left with my mom guilt for company!

Poor N, he knows that something is going on, but can't figure it out. He is missing his mommy so much and although she's been around more as it's her spring break, she's concentrating on taking it easy and resting. J is usually the rough and tumble, fun parent and all that stuff is strictly off limits so he's having to adjust to that. We just about broke his heart yesterday when we met up to trade cars and he didn't get to go home with mommy, but came to work with me instead. He cried for a good 10 mins and talked about wanting to go home to mommy for a lot longer :-( I felt so bad for him and at times like that I also have to fight that age old trigger that tells me that I'm not good enough.

On our drive home from work today N told me that he's growing two babies in his tummy. A boy baby and a girl baby. We are very careful not to talk about the pregnancy in front of him so are not sure where he got this from. Maybe he has inside information!!

School

I anxiously took N into school on tuesday not sure that I wanted to leave him there after last week. He could totally sense my feelings and tried to tell me that he really wanted to come to the grocery store with me. When that didn't work he started to tell me that his tummy hurt!
I was happy to see that they have made some changes since last week. There is a note on the door asking all those coming and going to make sure that the door is shut. Bells now hang on the handle so they can hear if my kid, or anyone else's decide to make a run for it. And they had a baby gate up stopping the kids from going into the cubby area, keeping them in the main room. His teacher apologized again and said that they felt bad about it. While I appreciate the apology it still worries me, so we've decided to give notice and take him out. Luckily for us I got called into work Thursday morning so he didn't go to school at all. I have a feeling that may be the way it plays out while we get through the month notice period.

N and I visited another school on Monday morning and after the initial shy period he was right at home there. We were scheduled for a 30 min visit and stayed for an hr and a half. Even then I had to drag him out with the promise of breakfast. It's a small school with a max of 7 kids in what would be N's class - he actually knows a bunch of the kids from moms club so I like that. But we are slightly concerned about the academics side if things. They will work on colors, shapes, some numbers, name identification and spelling of name. This is all stuff that N already knows so it could potentially be boring for him?! The kids get outside play as the weather allows, do lots of projects, including baking with the director who is a chef. From my point of view there is more parent involvement. They have a class mom, sign up sheets for volunteers, chance to read in the class, parent teacher conferences, twice yearly shows and lots of fun field trips.

I guess that my indecision over schools is not uncommon, but I sure am having a hard time with it. Part of the problem is probably that since I've lived in the US I've worked for very wealthy families. Those kids have always done every activity you can imagine and gone to the best schools. If we could afford to I'd send N to the big boy's school, but at $15,000 a year (just for preschool) it's not only out of our budget but it's also 30 mins from our house. That would mean lots of time in the car for N and even more for the new baby who would have to travel there and back twice a day. As preschool for this age is between 2.5 and 3 hrs I really want somewhere close to home. It would be nice to get some things done while he's at school and not spend the whole time in the car!

Down on the farm

We took the big girl to her riding lesson and as the weather was so nice we stayed to play and see what was going on at the farm. It's a small dairy so we checked out the baby cows - which the boys claimed and named, Blue eyes, Harry 1 and 2 and Scratchy.
We then went to help with milking where all the boys wanted to do was help clean the udders. No one was brave enough to hand milk this time. There were lots of discussions about the differences between boy and girls, both human and bovine which is always fun to listen to!
After the excitement of the cow barn we headed to look for eggs in the chicken coop. N was so proud of his egg. It made it all the way home in one piece. Only to be dropped when he went to the door to see our neighbor! He then proceeded to play with the broken egg and shell until I called time on that messy experiment.

On a happier note...

This happened!!!!!!!!

We transferred (FET) 2 healthy embryos into J on April 6th and I got a text from her on Friday saying 'babe, I think I am' (6 days post transfer). I asked if she wanted to POAS and she said no, so I let it go. But by the time I got home she had changed her mind. I waited for the results while she played with N and in no time at all that magical word appeared. N told me off for 'shouting' as I ran to find them. Lol!

Saturday morning I'm in the bathroom with N and the test was on the counter. He picked it up and our conversation went like this -

N: mama, what's this?
Me: ummm, that is a special stick that tells us something about Mommy's body.
N: it can't tell you anything. It doesn't have a mouth, so no voice (as he pulls the cap off).
Me: ah, don't take that off, you are right. It doesn't tell us anything by talking. But see this word, that tells us something about Mommy's body.
N: oh.

We aren't telling him at this point. In fact we aren't telling anyone and haven't shared that we are even TTC at all. People frequently ask what, when or if we are going to have a baby and we say things like we hope to, would like to, maybe next year....anything to get them off the subject.
It's exactly a year since our 2nd mc and even though not many people knew last time we don't want to have to go through telling people again. We are only sharing here because I REALLY, REALLY wanted to (thanks babe!) I'm holding the faith right now and would love it if you guys could send lots of sticky baby dust our way. We are cautiously excited but more than a little terrified....Amanda I'm borrowing your saying a lot ;-) If you know us IRL please don't say anything. We plan to keep it quiet as long as we can, at least until we reach the 2nd trimester and if I know J, longer if she can get away with it!!

I think our EDD is December 22nd but as it will be a repeat section I expect that it will happen a little earlier. He/she/they(?!) will be the perfect early Christmas present :-)

So NOT happy

Today when I arrived at school to pick N up I found him in the hallway, opposite the front door.
I asked him what he was doing there and he told me that a girl in his class had said I was there, so he went to check. I led him back into his classroom, while telling him that he isn't allowed to leave unless he's with me or with one of his teachers. His classroom was quiet and the lights were off as the other kids were being put down for naps. I stopped in the cubby area, right inside the door to zip N into his coat and asked him where his teachers were. He said he didn't know so I went looking for them. They were both in the main part of the classroom, rubbing the backs of 2 kids that they were putting down for a nap. When I told them that I had found him in the hallway they were surprised that he wasn't playing with the farm animals and then thought that I'd found him by the cubbies. I'm not sure if he opened the door and let himself out or if the door was already open, but from where they were they couldn't see the cubby area or the door. His teacher and I walked out to the hallway so I could show her where I found him, while she told him that he had to stay in the classroom and apologized to me. While we were there we met the school director and told her what had happened. She laughed and said that maybe he had been on his way to find her!!! He could have wandered anywhere in the school, fallen down the stairs or even found his way outside and they didn't seem to think it was a big deal.

The truth is that this is just the latest in a series of issues that I've been having with the school. Last week when I picked N up there was a substitute teacher who I heard raising her voice with one of the kids in N's class. She wasn't exactly shouting, but her voice was a little louder and her tone firmer than I want to hear. She was 'talking' to a kid that I often hear being spoken too and was changing someone else's diaper at the time, so I chalked it up to being one of those things that sometimes happens. (I know I'm not perfect!) Then on Tuesday when I arrived to get N, I looked over at the playground and saw that the teacher in charge of one of the older classes was staring down at her cell phone, while all the kids ran around.

I called J and filled her in on the latest news from school and she said we would talk about it tonight, when N wasn't around to listen in. She asked if I wanted her to 'go all principal' on them and I told her that I was angry and upset, both at them and myself. I probably should have not been as nice about as I was, they probably have no idea how bothered I am by it and I haven't said anything about any of the other issues. I tend to be very emotional and am not good at confrontation at all, but now I'm not sure what I want to do. I want N to be safe and happy there and I just can't trust that that is the case. But on the other hand when we were on a play date with a moms club friend on Monday she mentioned how great school was for N. He was so much more outgoing with both the mom and her daughter, chatting away to them and initiating play in a way that he has never done before.

Before today we had already been talking about finding a new school for him and just this morning I made an appt to see another one on Monday morning. He wouldn't start until sept, so now I have to decide whether to pull him from his current school immediately and eat the cost (we have to give one months written notice to terminate the contract) or hope that it doesn't get any worse and stick with the original plan of keeping him there until July.

Mommy moment!?

Warning - you probably don't want to read this if you are eating...

On Saturday N and I were hanging out at a friend's house, he was busy keeping up with the 4 and 5 year olds and I was sitting at the table having a natter and something to eat with my friend. When N comes to tell me that he needs to use the potty - not even 2 minutes after he had just been. I took one look at him and saw him trying to squeeze his little butt together and jumped from my seat, took his hand to take him to the bathroom, wondering if we were already too late. The closer we got to the bathroom the slower he was walking and the more worried he looked and sounded.
We get into the bathroom and I pull his pants down and look in his underwear - nothing there! But then I saw it and without thinking stuck my hand out to catch it!!!
Only after I got him and the offending poop onto and into the potty did I realise what I had done. Then I was totally grossed out. I washed my hands 3 times while he sat on the potty and once more after he washed his. LOL
Unfortunately for J, I picked dinner time to share the story with her!! Think I earned some mom points for that one. Although to be honest it was just an automatic reaction, I do the same with vomit too. Anything to avoid a mess!

Later the same night N woke at 11.30 from a bad dream. He was stuck in that place between being asleep and awake so I took him downstairs to try and calm him down and while we were rocking his diaper leaked. I got pooped and peed on all in one day, can't remember that happening since he was a tiny baby!!!

Hoppy Easter!

We had a great Easter weekend. The Easter bunny treated our little guy very well and I'm now working my way through way too much candy!!!

On Saturday night we had dinner with J's parents and on Sunday we headed to the state next to ours to see Sesame Street live. We did the same thing last year and N had a great time. This year it was still great to see his reactions but it wasn't as magical as last year. His favorite thing was probably the popcorn and the seriously expensive balloon he got!