Daddy??!!

N has a new favourite word - it just so happens to be Daddy!!

He used to say 'dadt' when he was pointing at something but that seems to have been replaced by 'daddy'. He will also randomly say it when he's walking around the house. I know that he hears it a lot when we are at work, but I don't think he's made any connection yet. It's just a word that he likes to use.

We went to the MOMS club Halloween party last week and had a good time. N was more comfortable at the church hall this time and was happy to explore a little more by himself. I encouraged my friend to join, so his little friend was there too. They had a little parade with trick or treating. N helped me to give out treats to the other kids, but didn't trick or treat himself. We don't really let him have a lot of sugar and he has not had any candy yet so I didn't really want him collecting lots of candy that I'd only end up eating! Here he is in his costume before we headed to the party.

Farm fun

We had to drop the big boy off at the farm before we could head for home today and as it turned out we got there just in time for the arrival of a new calf. The farm has a very small dairy operation and we often stop by to watch the cows being milked or check out the new calves. But today was the first time we actually saw one being born. The delivery was already under way when we arrived and we could see the front hooves already. N was happy to hang on the fence and watch what was going on, while the other kids ran back and forth between the delivery and the cows being milked. He got a little scared as the cow let us know that having a baby is not an easy process, but he learnt to moo listening to her! She had a little help right at the end - one of the farm guys pulled the calf out and around to her so she could start cleaning it, which was so cool to watch. We headed home before the calf got to it's feet as I was ready to be done for the day. I'm sure we'll go back in the next couple of days and get to pet the calf we watched being born.

Watching the action

So close

Big push

Mom and baby

17 months

How did this happen? In just one month our little man will be one and a half!

This boy definitely thinks that he's 3, probably because he spends so much time with his 3 yr old buddy while we're at work. He loves to hang out with the big kids and checks out little babies, but is not so interested in kids his own size.

He is very active, constantly on the go and testing his physical limits. Running, jumping and climbing as much as he can. He even hangs and swings from the bars at his tumbling class and at the top of the slide at the playground. He has started to figure out how to ride a balance bike, although it's mostly backwards at this point. He also loves the kid's scooters and pushes them around and stands on them to be pushed.

His speech is coming along in leaps and bounds too. He is trying so hard to talk and we can make out some words in all the babble. Among his words are - yes, oh no, dog, cat, bubbles, hi, car, sky. He also knows some animal sounds - the sheep is his favorite and go to animal, but he also barks for a dog and says 'Eee' for donkey and hisses like a snake. He can also point to lots of body parts on himself and us - head, hair, eyes, teeth, tongue, toes, belly, ears and elbow.

The sleep schedule is so good right now - hope I don't jinx it! He goes to bed at around 8.30 and sleeps until 9am. Taking one nap at around 1.30, although naps are more hit and miss when we are at work. They tend to be car seat naps at work as he hates missing out on anything and doesn't settle as easily there. Luckily I don't start work until 11, so we have time to potter around at home before we go pick N's buddy up from school.

I think the thing that surprises me most is how independent N is. He does not like to be helped, if he thinks he can do it himself. Whether it's swinging on the big kids swing or walking down the steep incline at tumbling. He pushes our hands away when we try to help him or shakes his head if we ask if he needs help. If he does need help he'll take your hand and lead you to where he wants you to be - but it has to be on his terms. It can be scary at times, but is so fun to watch.

He gives the best hugs ever. Will squeeze you so tight and snuggle right into you - it's the best feeling in the world. If you ask for a kiss he thinks it's so funny to say no and shake his head, but if he wants to kiss you he'll come at you with his mouth open for a big wet one!

Disappointment

It has been so long since I last blogged, but I've been following all my favorites and the Love Makes a Family Blog Carnival caught my attention, especially the latest topic of disappointment, which may help to explain my lack of blogging....

The process of TTC is and has been so full of disappointment and heartbreak for us that it's almost too hard to write about it, but I'm hoping that it will help me process it. We started TTC at the beginning of 2009 and it took 6 attempts to get our longed for BFP. I think the first BFN was the toughest as we were so filled with hope and excitement. Every month that we tried to get pregnant I bought something for our baby and kept it stashed away hoping that this month would be the one. When we finally got out BFP I think I was in shock and didn't quite believe that it was true. I know that my reaction was a disappointment to J. I wasn't outwardly as excited as she wanted me to be - but I'm still very English in that respect! I feel bad that I ruined such a special day for her.

We had originally decided that we wouldn't find out the sex of our baby, but changed our mind as the months ticked by and we wanted to know what was going on in J's belly. I'm so glad that we did. It gave me time to prepare for the arrival of our son. To aim myself at the boys section of the store, instead of being drawn to the girls stuff. Due to the nature of my relationship with my own Mum I really wanted a 'do-over' with my own daughter. But I couldn't be happier with N and wouldn't want it any other way, in fact I'd love nothing more than for him to have a brother.

Right around the time N was approaching his first birthday we decided we wanted to try for our second baby, so we got in touch with our RE, J had all the tests and we got ready to go again. To our amazement and delight J got pregnant after the first IUI. We were so happy and beyond excited to be adding to our family in March, but sadly it wasn't to be. At the first ultrasound at 5 weeks they couldn't see what they were expecting to see, but told us it was ok and maybe just slow to develop. The following week there was still nothing, by which point there should be a heart beat. Strangely J's numbers were going up, slowly but they were increasing and she was getting bigger and having more pregnancy symptoms. She went for so many blood tests and ultrasounds that I've lost count of how many, but basically it was not good. We were supposed to leave for vacation on July 30th and it was fast approaching. We were scared of J miscarrying while we were away, so scheduled a d&c for the monday before we left. In the end it was good to have vacation straight after the end of the pregnancy. We had a good week away with lots of family beach time in Ptown. It was wonderful to be surrounded by so many families that looked just like ours.

After vacation we met with our RE to talk about our results and options for moving forward. It was pretty depressing, hearing that only 20% of J's eggs were any good and that IVF was really the way forward. Then we met with the finance people who told us that our insurance would probably not cover IVF and if they did we would still have to pay 10k of it ourselves and we'd have to do another IUI first.

Our nurse told us that there was a study going on that we should qualify for that would cover all the costs, did we want her to put our names forward for it? Umm...yep! But when it came down to it we didn't qualify for it - so that plan was out of the window.

During that time we also learnt that our donor has retired. So we are now limited to the vials we have in storage if we want our kids to have the same donor. Which is something that I think is more important to me than J. I am slowly getting used to the idea that it may not work out the way I'd planned and that biology doesn't make a family.

We talked it all through and decided to give IUI one last try. We then found out that friends of ours would be doing a FET at the same time. The cycle went well, although for the first time J had really bad cramps after the 2nd insemination. Then we waited and hoped and prayed that this one would work. On Tuesday I saw my friend and heard that their cycle ended with a BFN, she asked what was happening with us. I told her we wouldn't know until Saturday and came home to tell J the news, and she told me that we were in the same boat. AF had arrived for her that day. It was over, we're emotionally and financially drained and at this point not sure where we are going to go from here.....we want N to have a sibling or 2, but are not sure how or when it will happen.

Read the next post here from Life with Cheeks.