Due date

I keep starting posts and never finishing them. Here is one I started on Sunday and added more to on Monday. I'm going to put it up now, even though it's not really finished or I never will. 

Today is my due date and instead of waiting for my babies to arrive I'm waiting for one to wake for a feed and the other to graduate from NICU.

The babies will be three weeks old on Tuesday and the last 3 weeks have been the longest, scariest roller coaster ride ever. They arrived on December 16th at 2.31 and 2.32 am, at 37wks and 1 day gestation. My whole pregnancy making it to 37 wks was my goal, that is when twins are considered to be full term and usually don't require any NICU time. Of course my guys decided not to follow along with that one and took everyone by surprise! 

The weekend of dec 13th I had contractions on and off all weekend. The Friday night was so uncomfortable that on Saturday morning I was crying to J that I was done. My belly was huge and sleeping was hard and so was breathing with baby boy lodged up under my ribs. I spent the night moving between the bed, the recliner and the couch trying to get some sleep. On Saturday I started bleeding and called my OB who said it was probably just the beginning of labor. That it wasn't a concern unless it got heavier and to call back when contractions were 5 mins apart. My contractions never became regular so I continued to wait. 

On Monday morning I was woken around 3 with more contractions, although these felt a little different to the others I had been having. Again I tried to sleep in between them, thinking they would stop eventually. I even sent J to work, as I was pretty sure they wouldn't come to anything. When N got up for the day I tried to doze on the couch while he watched a little tv, but it wasn't long before I thought I should start timing the contractions as they seemed pretty frequent. To my surprise they were around 10 mins apart. At 11 I texted J and told her that she should probably start heading home and called N's school to let them know he wouldn't be in that day. J flew out of work, speeding all the way home, calling her parents and our neighbor to watch N. Think she was a little surprised when she got home to find me pottering around in my pjs, talking about packing my bag and wanting a shower. I hadn't even called the OB yet! 

Finally after a shower I called the ob and told them the contractions were 5 mins apart. She told me to head to the hospital, so off we went. At this point I was still convinced it wasn't real and that I would be sent home. 

We arrived at the hospital at around 3. I was taken to my room and checked. I couldn't believe I was 5cm dilated and wouldn't be going home! 

Both babies were put on the monitor and this was when things started to get uncomfortable. Being stuck in the bed made my contractions more painful and harder to deal with. My OB came and checked me and said I should get an epidural and they wound break my water to move things along. By 10pm I was fully dilated but the babies were still high up, so pitocin was started in the hope that they would come down more. By this point my amazing midwife had arrived from another delivery and she was awesome - massaging my very swollen feet, applying lotion, and answering my questions. By midnight I was told I could start pushing and push and push I did.

At around 2 the OB came to check me again and told me that there was no change. So I had a choice to make, keep pushing for another hour or have a c-section. Both babies looked good on the monitor and he said it was fine to keep pushing, but that he couldn't guarantee that baby B wouldn't need a c-section because of his size and breech presentation. Given his opinion about that I decided to go ahead and have a c-section.

Everything was very calm and relaxed in the OR and before I knew it J was brought in and they started the c-section. I heard that baby a - our little girl had arrived and expected to get a peek at her, but didn't think too much of it when that didn't happen. Right after baby B arrived and I heard a little cry and saw him over the drape for a second, before he was gone. Little did I know that I wouldn't see either baby again for close to 12 hrs.

Things started to get a little crazy after that and I can't remember it all. J went to the room where they were working on the babies and wasn't allowed in. She got a glimpse of them through the door. Baby girl was blue and being resusitated and baby boy was being bagged. They were both intubated and headed to the NICU amid a flurry of activity and questions. Nobody could believe how much they were struggling considering the gestation that they were born at. At this point I still didn't realise how sick they were. I remember being told that they needed some help with their breathing and were going to the NICU, but the Neonatologist was really calm about it all. J went with them and I was told I could go up after I was sewn up and had spent a little time in recovery.

After the babies were born the release of pressure from my body was huge. I remember thinking at one point that I was having a heart attack. I guess my organs started to move back into place and it really hurt. Again I was thankful for my midwife who held my hand and kept me calm.  She stayed with me in recovery and helped get a little info from the NICU. I found out that baby girl weighed 6.3lbs and baby boy was 7.12lbs, great weights for twins. At some point I was told I wouldn't be able to go and see them and J came back down to say they were working on the babies and she hadn't really gotten to see them either. I was moved to my room and we tried to sleep for a while. 

During the course of the first day we found out a little more about the babies condition. Both babies had immature lungs and were given surfactant to open them up, it worked for baby boy, but made little difference for baby girl. Our daughter also appeared to have a heart defect - the structure of her heart looked good, but it wasn't doing its job. It couldn't oxygenate her blood or pump it around her body. This in turn made them worry that lack of oxygen had caused brain damage. She was on a special ventilator and a cooling blanket, that brought her core body temp way down in an effort to protect her brain. She was also sedated so that she could rest and be pain free. They asked a lot of questions about my pregnancy and labor, but couldn't find any answers there as to why this was happening to her. My whole pregnancy baby boy had been the one we were concerned about having heart issues, not her. Even during labor her heart tracings were perfect, he was the one that had some decelerations and was the reason I had a c-section. 

Finally getting to see my babies was overwhelming and pretty scary. They were in different rooms and it was hard to get a good look at them from the wheelchair I was in. I also felt unsure about touching them and was worried that I would cause them more discomfort. In many ways it was like looking at someone else's kids. It was so far from what I expected to have happen and was hard to get my mind around. Learning the ropes in the NICU was foreign and tough, we have been lucky to have some amazing nurses who have made the experience so much easier for us. 3 weeks in and has all become so normal. I'll try and write more about it soon soon.

Three weeks on and baby boy is home, loving being the only baby and for the most part nursing well. I'm pumping for baby girl too, so not sleeping much. After scaring us with her difficult start baby girl has come so far. I keep hearing how well she's doing considering how sick she was. I don't think I realized how close we came to loosing her, on many occasions and one of the nurses told me it's probably better that way. I feel really torn between being home and being at the hospital. There never seems to be enough time and wherever I am, I'm feeling bad they I'm not at the other place with the other baby. 

N loves the babies and has loved having J home more. She's back to work today, so I'm anticipating that it will be a rough few days while he adjusts. My parents arrive tmrw and despite not always having had the easiest relationship with them, I'm looking forward to it. It's amazing how being a parent makes you look at your parents differently and in my case with less judgement. They may not have parented me in the way that I feel I needed, but they probably did the best they could. 

33 wks and baby shower

My boss and the girls that I work with decided to have an impromptu baby shower for me the weekend before last. The invites went out late Thursday and I wasn't sure if anyone would make it on such short notice. But luckily for me most of my friends did! Usually I hate being the center of attention but it was actually a lot of fun. I got to catch up with friends I don't see often enough and felt lots of love for me and the babies. The babies were totally spoilt with gifts and N even scored a few too! Here is my 32 wk pic!

Now at 33 wks, I'm officially in my last week at work and I'm counting down the days. Some days are more of a struggle than others.  My belly is huge - at my dr appt on Thursday it measured in at more than full term for a singleton pregnancy! It's definitely slowing me down and makes me short of breath. Keeping up with the boys on a walk the other day was tough - they left me in the dust with only the dogs for company! 

The latest scan shows that baby girl is head down and baby boy breech. There is only one dr in the practice that will deliver breech and it looks like he may be on vacation when I'm due. This leaves me having to decide what I want to do - try for vagjnal delivery and hope that baby boy will or can be turned after baby girl delivers (50% chance). Or schedule a c-section. My induction date is dec 22nd so if I have a c-section the babies and I will be in hospital for Christmas. If I avoid the c-section we could be home just in time for Christmas. I can't imagine making it all the way to that date, when I'll be 38 wks. I don't think there will be room for them, so the whole Christmas thing may not be an issue anyway. I have an appt with the dr that will deliver breech before thanksgiving and I'm hoping to convince him to induce me right before he goes on vacation on dec 19th. 

We have started turning the guest room into the nursery. J moved the bed out and the cribs are in there ready to be put together. The rest of the baby gear is scattered over the house, basement and garage but I plan to get it together, start laundry and install the car seats next week. I've also started to get my hospital bag ready just in case these 2 decide to catch us by surprise :-) 

N is giving us a hard time right now and it's hard to know if it is because of his age or all the changes heading his way. He knows that we won't be at work as much after this week so leaving at the end of the day has become a real battle. He cries, hides and usually ends up being taken to car while telling me that he's not talking to me anymore or going to play with me ever again. Argh!  Last night my boss told him he could have a sleep over this weekend, but I'm pretty sure he isn't ready for that yet and neither are they! He still wakes during the night and we've been dealing with bad dreams a lot recently. I'm hoping that I can put in some serious time with him over the next few weeks and see if we can turn some of his behaviors around. 

He's excited to see his big cousin at thanksgiving and I've set up some play dates for him next week to keep him busy. We are also going to take a tour of the hospital with him so he can see where we will be when the babies come and will be familiar with it when he comes to visit us! 

Breech

I had my ultrasound with the MFM last Thursday and found out that both babies are now breech. I wasn't surprised as a few days before I felt that baby a had turned. I had a rough night, with lots of pain on the right side of my belly and wasn't feeling any kicks at the top of my belly anymore. Now I have to hope that they (or at least a) will both turn soon. 

When J was expecting N she tried so many different things to get him to turn after we found out he was breech. She tried acupuncture, supplements, lying upside down, time on her hands and knees. She even went to attempt a version but the cord was around his neck so that was the end of that. I'm kind of feeling like it's another if those things that I can't control and it will work out the way that it is supposed to. Even if that means a c-section. 

Despite being told constantly that I'm too small to be having twins (even by an OB the other week) all looks good with the babies. Baby A (our daughter) weighs in at an estimated 2lbs 3oz and her brother, baby B is 2lbs 7oz. It seems like his cord issues aren't stopping him from gaining weight at this point, even tho I know it may slow down as time goes on. 

It's crazy to think that they could be here in around 10 weeks!!! I feel like we were so much more organized at this stage during J's pregnancy. We have to switch rooms around so they can have the bigger room and we haven't even started on that yet. J was home on Saturday  trying to work on it while I had N at work with me. I just made a pile of stuff in the basement that we will need and picked up some things from a friend. We are still one car seat short, which I hope we will get soon and haven't picked up our second crib yet. 

I have been having issues with getting light headed or dizzy which usually ends up with me throwing up. After talking it through with my mw and getting my BP checked she thinks I'm working too much. She has told me that I need to cut back on the amount I'm working, make sure I hydrate enough, get 70g of protein and a nap every day. I haven't seen much of my boss so far this week, but will talk to her soon about cutting my days from 6 to maybe 3 or 4. I think my working days are coming to an end!

Pregnancy brain!

I've had a major case of pregnancy brain. Last week  I took the big boy to soccer and left the van door open for the whole hour and fifteen minutes we were there! Luckily it's a pretty safe community so it wasn't that big a deal and I was fully prepared to blame it on one of the kids ;-) 

Yesterday I lost 2 of the 3 dogs at work. I let them out, checked on them after 10 mins and they had disappeared, which often happens. So I decided to wait longer to see of they showed up ( like they usually do). Well I forgot about them and didn't go and look for them for an hr. 

I often ask the kids questions and forget the answers right after they tell them to me! I'm finding that I have to write myself notes to remind me of things which I'm so not used too. 

I'm staying at work this weekend and have managed to keep track of the dogs and kids so far.  I'm definitely looking forward to getting to sleep in my own bed tonight. The woman I work with was telling me to take lots of pics of the bump, which I haven't been doing. So here's one I just took at 26 wks! We have to find time to work on the nursery. I thought we would get to it over the summer, but it didn't happen. Guess that's what happens when you have your second (and third)! All we really need to do is get another infant car seat, diapers and wash N's newborn stuff, which we probably have enough of for both babies. Our neighbor has also given us a bunch of her daughter's hand downs so our baby girl won't be totally dressed in blue! 

Work

I ended up working a whole lot more this summer than I had expected. The family usually leaves at the end of June and doesn't come back until September. Not sure exactly what kept them here this year, but they were only gone for 4 or 5 weeks in the end. It was great for my bank balance and meant N had his best buddy to play with. Having to get up and out probably helped with my morning sickness too. I couldn't hang around felling sorry for myself. I had to find ways to stay on top of it or failing that throw up and keep going. 

Since getting back to work at the end of August my boss finally asked what my plan is and when I think I'll be done with work. I had originally hoped to stay until Thanks Giving but at a recent mw appt she told me to stop work at 30 wks. That works out to be Halloween, which is just around the corner!! I have to admit that I'm surprised by my mixed feelings about giving up work. I've been here 7.5 yrs and am quite attached to the kids and although I know I will be busy at home I think I'm going to miss going to work and contributing to our household income. 

The big boy is obsessed with my belly he is always asking if the babies are moving or kicking. If we are sat together he has his hands or head on my bump. He's asked a bunch of times if he can come to the hospital after the babies are born. I don't think his proxy sibling status will get him in tho! Hopefully whoever takes over from me will bring him over to see them. 

Just the other day he said to me 'you won't ever leave me, right?' Talk about tugging at the heart strings! I've mentioned to both him and N that we will be staying home after the babies come and it didn't go down well with either boy. N cried and it just made the big boy extra clingy! 

My boss has contacted an agency to help her look for someone else. Instead of having 2 of us like she does now, she is looking for one person who can be both her PA and take care of the kids too. I think it will be a lot for one person and they will still need help - thanks to their crazy schedule. But I hope they find someone by the end of Oct so we can start the transition. 

For some crazy reason I've been working 5, 6 or 7 days a week. Without really talking to me my boss decided to give me all the hours I want before I leave. Luckily I'm feeling pretty good so it's working out fine for now, but I know J is worried about me over doing it. I figure I'll make the most of it while I can and reassess it if it gets to be too much. The only down side is that we don't have time to see any friends. Most of his friends are in morning preschool and now he's in the afternoon we can't squeeze any play dates in. Most mornings N sleeps til 9 and we potter around at home until its time for school. He teacher said yesterday that he seems a lot happier and has more energy this year. I'm sure it's the extra sleep!! 

23 wks

I'm 23 wks  and feeling so much better than I was. For the most part my severe morning sickness let up around 18 wks. I'm still getting sick some mornings and sometimes later in the day if I do too much and get too tired. But it's a big improvement. I'm still taking my meds after a recent attempt to come off of them was a disaster, so will keep going for now. 

My belly finally popped about 3 wks ago and I actually look pregnant and not just chubby! It probably coincided with being able to eat more. At 20 wks I made it back to my pre-pregnancy weight and have pretty much moved into wearing maternity clothes now. 

Once I started to feel better I realized that the prenatal care I was getting isn't working for me. I went to an appt where the dr hadn't read my notes and didn't even know I was having 2 babies. She measured my belly and proceeded to freak me out by commenting that I was having a 'little peanut.' When I asked her if something was wrong, being that I was already worried about my weight loss, she pretty much brushed me aside. She was far more concerned with time management and sending me off for yet more blood work, than with me personaly. The thought of getting her for delivery was pretty scary. 

Then when I went for my 20wk scan the tech didn't know I was having twins either. That bothered me less as we had already decided to switch and I wasn't surprised by that point. J was practically out of her chair ready for a fight - it's not the first time we've had issues with this tech either. 

I called up the wonderful midwife J used when we were expecting N and asked if she would take me on. She was happy to hear from me and said she would, but because I'm technically considered 'high risk,' I'd have to use a dr too. She recommended the dr that she works with and said that they would manage my care between them. 

We met with the dr the mw recommended and while I can't say I'm crazy about him, he at least knew that I was having twins! I've come to the conclusion that I don't like drs or hospitals so getting these babies out is going to be a challenge. J is going to have to drag me to the hospital when the time comes! It sounds like the delivery will be a circus, so far from the calm, quiet delivery I'd hoped for. I have to deliver in the OR and the dr says I have to have an epidural in case he needs to 'help' baby b out. So along with J, me and our midwife there will be the dr, nurses and a NICU team for both babies. I'm hoping that having the mw there will ensure that the babies aren't whisked away before we get to really see them. She'll also help with skin to skin time and nursing. 

Changing drs had also meant switching hospitals. Instead of being 20 mins from home we will be 45 mins away. It's definitely a better hospital and has a better NICU if we should need it, but it does put us further away from N. The babies birth will be the first time we have both been away from him overnight and I'm nervous about it.  We haven't got our plan for him totally sorted out yet. We have lots of possibilities and are still trying to figure out what will be best for him. Depending on how I deliver J may only stay with me for one night and be home with him the others. I'm still hoping to avoid a c-section and a long hospital stay. 

Anyway, the ultrasound I had at 20 wks turned up some concerning news that had me on edge for the the last couple of weeks. The scan showed that baby b has a 2 vessel cord, instead of the usual 3. I was referred to a mfm for fetal ekg's. Despite being told that all looked good and it happens in 1% of pregnancies I was still freaked out by it. 

We went on Friday for the longest ultrasound ever. It took 1hr 45 mins and was definitely detailed. We even got to see the babies in 3d which was cool and weird all at the same time! Both babies were declared to be healthy and weighing in at around 1.5lbs. Exactly what a singleton would be at this point in pregnancy. This is what baby a thought about all the poking, prodding and scanning..... 

I'm feeling so much relief now that I know they are both ok. The tech we had was amazing. She explained everything she was doing and took the time to show us all the ins and outs of each babies' heart. Now I'm scheduled for regular scans to check on the babies growth and have appts booked all the way to Boxing Day. It seems hard to believe that I'll still be pregnant then, but who knows!! It all depends on the babies I guess!!! 

Now that I'm feeling better and N is back in school I hope to get back to blogging more often! 

Summer

I finished work last Thursday and as usaual I'm not sure how long I'm off for. It could be a couple of weeks, the summer or even forever. My boss isn't so good when it comes to communication, she's more of a fly by the seat of her pants kind of girl and just assumes that the rest of us are too. I guess it helps that she never has to worry about who's going to take care of her kids as she can always find someone between her 2 nannies, 1 housekeeper and a couple of teens thrown into the mix!

N is already missing his buddy and asks every day if we are going to work. Although I'm not sure if its the kids or their amazing pool that he misses the most....!

We don't have N signed up for any camps or activities this summer, which I originally thought was a great plan but am now beginning to question. I had thought I'd be feeling better by now and that he and I would be able to do lots of fun things and enjoy this time as just the 2 of us.  Even before we were done with work his bed time started creeping back and is now at 9 or 9.30 and it's taking him ages to fall asleep. Last night it was 11 before he gave up and went to sleep. On the flip side I'm loving the easy start to the morning, he's usually up at 9.30 which gives me lots of time to get myself up and together before I have to face making him breakfast! I know that if he was in camp we would have to be up and out by 8.30 and that would change our mornings considerably. It may be something we revisit after our vacation.

Right before we finished up at work I took the boys to Wild West City. It's exactly as the name suggests and probably no different than when J went there as a kid. Lots of gun toting, horse riding cowboys. Both the boys loved it, especially all the live shows that happen throughout the day. They even became sheriff deputies and helped capture the bad guys that held up the stage coach. N also tried mini golf (which did not hold his attention), went panning for gold and visited the petting zoo.

For the 4th of July we went with a large group of friends to a local parade. I think N's favorite part was seeing our neighbour in the parade, he could hardly believe it was him and kept saying 'that was my neighbor?' We lasted about an hour at the parade before it started to rain, we hung out for a while but eventually the rain got heavier and we deiced to head for the car. We made a quick stop for lunch on the way home and then N and I both took naps.

After that the weekend headed down hill for me. I came really close to going back into hospital for iv fluids. I knew that I wasn't as dehydrated as I was the last time I went in, but by the time I talked to my OB Saturday night I was starting to get worried. None of my usual tricks were working and I wasn't holding anything down, all I wanted to do was lie very still with my eyes closed. We decided that if I hand't improved by Sunday morning I would go in. But thankfully by the time I work up I was doing better, just feeling really weak. The hardest part (other than all the throwing up and pulling muscles in my stomach) is that I feel like I'm missing out on so much. J and N spent time with friends and family over the weekend and I just wasn't up to going. It's not that I want them to stay home, I'm happy for them to go and always encourage it, even though I know J feels bad about leaving me. I just wish I could go too!

This is the point where I get totally sappy and tell you what an amazing wife I have. She's been doing such a great job of holding down the fort while still working full time. If any of you work in education you know how crazy the last few weeks are. I haven't cooked, cleaned or shopped for weeks and most nights I'm in bed by 8.30 leaving her to put N to bed. I definitely couldn't survive without her and know that I'm so lucky to have her! 

Last night she said to me that she still doesn't really believe that we are having twins and I have to say that I'm right there with her. If it weren't for all the throwing up I wouldn't know that I was pregnant at all. I have a tiny belly but as a friend pointed out it just looks fat, not pregnant and I'm still 10lbs under my pre pregnancy weight. We did get a double stroller that is up in the guest room, which will eventually get turned into the babies' room, at some point! I also scored a good deal on a couple of second hand swings which I'm sure we will be using a lot!

We waited so long and went through so much to get to this point and I think we are both still nervous about relaxing and starting to believe that this is actually going to happen. Only family and friends know about the pregnancy and we were just talking about when (and how) we will be ready for a fb reveal. For me I think it will probably be once I can feel the babies and maybe after our 20wk ultrasound, even though all looked good at the 12 wk one.