Monday, September 16, 2013

Conflicted

I got the email that I find myself constantly dreading last night...

My Nanny is really sick and they are doing what they can to keep her 'comfortable.' It's been a really tough year for her. Along with her Alzheimer's diagnosis she has had partial hip replacements on both hips, countless UTIs, has huge anxiety and has been hospitalized more times than I can count. Back in the spring we were told not to expect her to make it through the weekend. My Mum flew from Spain to England to be there and I waited here for news. She was in a coma and was not showing any response even to pain. She surprised us all by pulling through and being discharged to the residential home where she lives and has continued to have ups and downs since.

I'm towards the end in the process of getting my green card (my interview is scheduled for next month) and am not able to travel which leaves me feeling very conflicted (let's not even start on the $1,700 ticket prices right now).  The sane and sensible part of me wants her to find peace. She is not happy and I don't want her to continue to suffer. But the selfish part of me wants her to keep hanging on. To just wait a little longer so that I can get home and say goodbye to her. I've already given up on my dream of having her meet J and N as I don't want N to remember her as she is now,  I'd rather that his memories of her are from the stories that I tell him. But I'd love to get the chance to say goodbye to her. To thank her for being the constant in my childhood that showed me love and affection, in a way that my parents never did. She was the only person who told me that she loved me and I know that a large part of who I am today is thanks to the time that I spent with her and my Grampy. She is the reason that I'm constantly telling N and J that I love them. Even if they find it too much at times I don't care, it's important to me that I'm sure they know.

So here I am waiting again. Apparently I will get updates by text or email........WTF parents. This is probably one of those times when a phone call would be nice. They don't do emotional stuff very well (stiff upper lip gets in the way) so it's probably the way they can avoid dealing with me being upset.
Sometimes being thousands of miles away really sucks and this is one of those times :-(